Hi! I’m Katsuki Yuri! A mediocre Japanese figure skater and I just lost the Grad Prix Final. [Dead last!] I got really nervous, And then my poodle died, And then I got fat- Oi! Homo crying in the bathroom like a little bitch! First of all: You’re a whiney bitch Second: There’s no room for two 𝘨𝘢𝘺 Yuris in figure skating. Third: You should quit. I’m not gay. [gay sigh] Right now, I don’t really know what to do next. Maybe that Russian bottom was right about retiring- SO! Anyways, I’m just gonna head back to japan to- I don’t know! Mope around until I decide what to do next… Oh hey Yuki-chan! Yuri? 𝘖𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘥! I haven’t seen you since we were like, kids. Are you still a total closet case? Uh- haha. I’m not gay. Huh. 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺~ Yuki-chan is just about the only person who knows my biggest secret: That I am 𝘵𝘰𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 and completely in love with 5 time world champion Victor Nikiforov. I’ve always done everything I can to be just like him! Skate like him. Adopt a poodle like him. Even date women like him! Mmmmh. Yuri. I’ve just never seen us that way. Im going out with Takashi! I just wanted to show off- I MEAN- show you something. Holy shit. That’s an exact copy of Victor! OH! Have you met my triplets? They love figure skating. What’s this? Yuri’s gone viral? Hmm- Bottom. Yuri, come downstairs please. There’s someone here to see you. Yuri I’m here to top you. Wah? Couch you, to win the next Grand Prix Final. I’m going to live with you, and get to know you- Intimately… We’ll practice. Every. Day. Sometimes twice. [But first, let me take a selfie] HA. I found you. Uh! Victor made me a promise. Sure! I’ll choreograph your senior debut. I 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦. Victor made ME a promise! Victor! You made me a promise! Oops daisy! Silly me. Well, since my 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 body can only satisfy one of you at a time; Why don’t you two skate about it! You skate the slutty routine! And you skate the sweet one! [gay gasps] Okay, what makes me feel sweet. Oh! I know, My grandpa! That’s not weird… But what makes me slutty (Victor’s skating of course…) Oh! I know! I need you to teach me how to be a WOOMUN! Uh! Slut.. Yuri! I think I know why you flub your jumps so often. I really think you just came out of the closet and OPENLY excepted how big of a bottom you are- Your skating would improve a lot! B-But I’m I-I I’m not… 𝘏𝘦𝘳𝘦. Let me show you oh, Ooh, OOH, 𝘖𝘖𝘖𝘖𝘖𝘖𝘖𝘖𝘏𝘏𝘏 Hey Yuri! You still sad about Viktor dumping you? Wanna go out with me sometime? I own a 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘱 𝘰𝘯. EEW. Gross get off of me. Look! I’m strong! I could totally top you. Alright! Let’s start winning some competitions! But Viktor! Competitions make me nervous! Okay, well stop being a pussy and get over it. I love Yuri! He’s so hot. So. How long have you two been intimate? Yuri! Did you see me skate? No. Who are you? [cinnamon roll distress noises] Now, Yuri. Is that any way to treat a minor? Good luck Minami! [snot noises(?)] Woohoo! My personal best! [Queen bee music plays] [I mean Beyoncé.] I’m glad you were nice to that boy. But don’t forget… [congested inhale] I just came. Viktor wanted me to pick my own program music for my free skate. This song was written by a girl I kinda-sorta-dated in college. [We are never, ever, ever -] I mean it got a little awkward when I couldn’t get it up. [-getting back together.] I call this song ‘Yuri On Ice!!’ [𝘙𝘰𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘴.] DADDY! Looks like your ex found a new Yuri to top, huh, Yuri? [Russian giggles] Get it? Fuck off! I did it! I beat a bunch of kids that I outrank by several years of experience! I bet I’ll win a lot more gold medals after this one! [And now! Introducing several characters that we won’t get around to developing until season 2!] [This guy-] [And this guy-] [And this guy–] [And- Oh! Wait! That’s Chris, he’s important in this season.] Now there’s a sweet ass I haven’t slapped in awhile. By the way, everyone thinks Viktor’s hot ass is wasting a season on your candy ass. Say ass one more time- Ass. And ass. And what’d I say? [booty music playing in background] Ass. [And that’s all the skating we have for today. Don’t worry, more skating tomorrow!] [Ass Guy’s in fifth,] [Yuri’s Thai buddy in fourth,] [And Katsuki Yuri in first place!] I’m so nervous I’m not used to being on top- TOP of the score board. I usually bottom- I MEAN- I’m at the bottom. I mean- [Ms. Katsuki] Yuri, don’t fuck this next one up or Viktor’s totally going to leave you. Hmm~ You seem pretty nervous let’s go somewhere private and I’ll warm you up. [And now- A montage of all the skaters you won’t remember and don’t care about.] EHH! I tHink I GoNna CuM! Hey Yuri, about your free skate- if you fuck it up, I’m gonna leave your sweet ass. [Crying noises I don’t know how to type] OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK! How could you say that to me Viktor! You’re the worst boyfriend ever! [Gay gasp] So you admit it? You’re coming out? [Groaning, crying] I feel a lot better after crying like a little BITCH. Close call back there though. I almost came out of the closet- Not that I’m in the closet- ‘Cause I’m definitely not gay. (Oh honey.) I wonder if he’ll be impressed if I try to do his signature move. [I believe I can fly,] Well, I sort of did it. I wonder what he thinks! [My first kiss went a little like this,] Well, I just outed you in front of the entire world. I guess I’m okay with it. Can we make out some more? [Disgusted groan] [And now, a dead segway to the next tournament- It’s in Russia.] Doo Dooo Dooo- Just trying to find my hotel room. Hi bottom. Oh, Hi bottom! I came out. Yeah, I saw. It disgusted me. See you on the ice- Bitch. [And now, skating-] [and skating-] [and incest-] [and skating!] I did so good out there! [Gay gasp] You think you’re a good bottom? This is Russia. Land of Putin- it in my ass. And- Flying shit spin! And prance, prance, prance- And whip! And whip! And one, two, three- Arms, arms, arms- TWIRL Yaaaaa……. [Mari Katsuki] Hey Yuri. Viktor’s dog is at the vet. He’s choking on some food we sort of left out. Hah, ironic right? Cause that’s how we killed your dog- Anyways. He might die, so Viktor should probably come back. I don’t know, what ever you wanna do. Heh. Alright folks, more of what the people want- [Some angry skating-] [Some sad skating-] [Some breakup skating-] [ -Who’s he breaking up with?] [-His sister. Don’t worry about it.] [And back to more skating.] Bottom! What the fuck was that? Can’t skate without your boyfriend around? Anyway- Take these as like, a peace offering or, whatever. Now hurry up we have a fluff episode to get through. Hi, I’m Viktor Nikiforov. And I’m narrating the fluff episode. [V: Yuri has to beat five other skaters at the Grand Prix Final tomorrow.] [There’s Chris: The guy with all that ass. And ass, and ass. And what’d he say?] [Ass.] [There’s this Canadian J.J. who’s a top-] [-contender for this year’s gold medal.] [Yuri and Otabek, who are totally going to hook up later.] I’ve been in love with you for five years. Wouldn’t I have been ten? That sounds right. Okay. So, top me? [Finally there’s Yuri’s Thai friend who hasn’t really mattered in the overall plot.] [Can’t really pronoun his name though-] [PEE-Sheet] [PEE-Shit] [PEE-Shit] [Pizza-] [Piece-of-Shit? I don’t know.] [And then there’s my Yuri.] [My precious little bottom.] Daddy! I want to go shopping now! Okay darling! What ever you want. He’s really come into his own, since coming-out. Daddy, look! I bought us something! It’s like- a good luck charm. [Y: Let’s go to this church-] [And I’ll put on on your ring finger-] [And then you can put the other one on mine.] Aren’t you worried people will think we got engaged? Wha? I’m hungry, take me to dinner daddy! Oh look, everyone’s here. Is that a- Oooh my God. Everyone! My bestfriend just got gay married! W-Wait, we’re not- Now, now this is only an engagement. We’ll get married when Yuri wins that gold medal. Not so fast aye! I’ll be the one to get married don’t cha’know Aye, where’s everybody going? [-No one likes you bro!] [-Now for the thrilling conclusion] [The GRAND PRIX FINAL!] [-They just skate. They do the same thing they always do.] [They skate the same GAY ROUTINE we’ve seen a million times this season] [GOD!] Viktor, I did so bad today. I don’t know what to do. We should break up! Yuri, don’t be ridiculous! I’ve been in love with you since last year, when you got wasted and danced naked all over me! I don’t remember that! [Justin Timberlake blessing] ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Oh-Well, we should still break up! [ Speaking terrible French] Can’t believe I’m in last, aye. This is some malarkey! I let the pressure get to me, ya know? I’m worthless. I can’t get married now- What’s dat aboot! Everyone think my name ‘Piece-Of-Shit’! I [don’t] really care winning- I just wanna get famous so I can have, BIG ice show- ha ha ha UUUH. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to take Viktor away from figure skating anymore! I’ll just have to retire after this season. [gasp] Holy shit! I’m amazing! Fuck retiring! I’m gonna win this shit! I’ve never won the gold medal before. I was certain I would this year-being perfect and all. But it’s not looking good though. DAMN. [gay grunt] Well, even if I don’t win the gold this year I found one thing in life that matters more than gold- A boyfriend. [Yurio: Yuri,] I’ve always wanted to see you skate at your best, but you don’t just roll up in here- with Viktor Win 𝘮𝘺 tournament and retire. I’m gonna- WEHOH!- [More French I don’t know] [-𝘖𝘩 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦.] Well, -No, ‘Hi’ -Hi, I’m Micheal -And I’m Ashley -And we’re 𝘞𝘩𝘺𝘋𝘰𝘞𝘦𝘞𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 -We hope you enjoyed that! -What? The intro or the video? -Both! -Hi I’m Micheal! -And I’m Ashley. -And we’re 𝘞𝘩𝘺𝘋𝘰𝘞𝘦𝘞𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 -We hope you enjoyed the video! -Everything else this week is late, There’s still a vlog, there’s still an Ashley video. -It took up a lot of time; It took up a lot of work. We had to sit and watch ‘Yuri On Ice!!’ like, three to four times. -And you know, still enjoyed every minute of it. -It’s wonderful. -Don’t get me wrong, all jokes made in good fun. No offense to the homos. -Obviously no offense to the homos. Homos wrote half of this. -And so offense to the show either because, after having gone through it, four to five times- 𝘱𝘭𝘶𝘴 the edit- we still love ‘Yuri On Ice!!’ We are in noway sponsored by ‘Crunchy Roll’ but we could be! So, you can watch it on ‘Crunchy Roll’ subtitled. You can also check out another youtube who inspired us to make this video, by the name of 𝘎𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘶𝘬. We’ll put links in the description down below to his channel. -If this video felt like we were ripping off his anime, it’s ’cause well- A: We didn’t rip him off M:Hmm, but- A: We just borrowed his really good idea. -We were heavy inspired by, so anime haters- Hate all you want. Thanks for watching and subscribe! -Yeah, subscribe! – Leave a comment. -Leave a comment down below! If you absolutely hated this video, smash that dislike button.