Translator: Joseph Geni
Reviewer: Morton Bast So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue
to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy
not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That’s the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression
that makes desire so potent? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic
disaster in couples? (Laughter) It’s kind of the fatal
erotic blow, isn’t it? And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different? These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration
on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant
dilemmas in modern love. So I travel the globe, and what I’m noticing is that everywhere
where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire,
as in owning the wanting — desire as an expression
of our individuality, of our free choice,
of our preferences, of our identity — desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love
and individualistic societies. You know, this is the first time
in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience
sexuality in the long term not because we want 14 children, for which we need to have even more
because many of them won’t make it, and not because it is exclusively
a woman’s marital duty. This is the first time
that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection
that is rooted in desire. So what sustains desire,
and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining
desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation
of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need
for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. All these anchoring,
grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally
strong need — men and women — for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown,
for the unexpected, surprise — you get the gist. For journey, for travel. So reconciling our need for security
and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call
a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were
given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner
to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you
to be my best friend and my trusted confidant
and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. (Laughter) So we come to one person,
and we basically are asking them to give us what once
an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence
and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given, and toys and lingerie
are going to save us with that. (Laughter) (Applause) So now we get to the existential
reality of the story, right? Because I think, in some way — and I’ll come back to that — but the crisis of desire
is often a crisis of the imagination. So why does good sex so often fade? What is the relationship
between love and desire? How do they relate,
and how do they conflict? Because therein lies
the mystery of eroticism. So if there is a verb, for me,
that comes with love, it’s “to have.” And if there is a verb that comes
with desire, it is “to want.” In love, we want to have,
we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back
to the places we’ve already gone. Forgone conclusion
does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side
that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on
in their red-light district. You know? In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words,
I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it’s said like that,
it’s often quite abstract. But then I took a question with me. And I’ve gone to more than 20 countries
in the last few years with “Mating in Captivity,”
and I asked people, when do you find yourself
most drawn to your partner? Not attracted sexually,
per Se, but most drawn. And across culture, across religion,
and across gender — except for one — there are a few answers
that just keep coming back. So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner
when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. Basically, when I get back in touch with my ability to imagine myself
with my partner, when my imagination comes
back in the picture, and when I can root it
in absence and in longing, which is a major component of desire. But then the second group
is even more interesting. I am most drawn to my partner when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage, when he is in his element, when she’s doing something
she’s passionate about, when I see him at a party
and other people are really drawn to him, when I see her hold court. Basically, when I look at my partner
radiant and confident. Probably the biggest
turn-on across the board. Radiant, as in self-sustaining. I look at this person —
by the way, in desire people rarely talk about it,
when we are blended into one, five centimeters from each other. I don’t know in inches how much that is. But it’s also not when the other person
is that far apart that you no longer see them. It’s when I’m looking at my partner
from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already
so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again
somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. And in this space between me
and the other lies the erotic élan, lies that movement toward the other. Because sometimes, as Proust says, mystery is not
about traveling to new places, but it’s about looking with new eyes. And so, when I see my partner
on his own or her own, doing something
in which they are enveloped, I look at this person and I momentarily
get a shift in perception, and I stay open to the mysteries
that are living right next to me. And then, more importantly,
in this description about the other or myself — it’s the same — what is most interesting
is that there is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody. There is no caretaking in desire. Caretaking is mightily loving. It’s a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. (Laughter) I have yet to see somebody
who is so turned on by somebody who needs them. Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shot down and women have known that forever, because anything
that will bring up parenthood will usually decrease the erotic charge. (Laughter) For good reasons, right? And then the third group
of answers usually would be: when I’m surprised,
when we laugh together, as somebody said to me
in the office today, when he’s in his tux, so I said, you know, it’s either the tux or the cowboy boots. But basically it’s when there is novelty. But novelty isn’t about new positions. It isn’t a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts
of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen? Because in some way one could say
sex isn’t something you do, eh? Sex is a place you go. It’s a space you enter inside yourself
and with another, or others. So where do you go in sex? What parts of you do you connect to? What do you seek to express there? Is it a place for transcendence
and spiritual union? Is it a place for naughtiness
and is it a place to be safely aggressive? Is it a place where you
can finally surrender and not have to take
responsibility for everything? Is it a place where you can
express your infantile wishes? What comes out there? It’s a language. It isn’t just a behavior. And it’s the poetic of that language
that I’m interested in, which is why I began to explore
this concept of erotic intelligence. You know, animals have sex. It’s the pivot, it’s biology,
it’s the natural instinct. We are the only ones
who have an erotic life, which means that it’s sexuality
transformed by the human imagination. We are the only ones
who can make love for hours, have a blissful time, multiple orgasms, and touch nobody,
just because we can imagine it. We can hint at it.
We don’t even have to do it. We can experience that powerful
thing called anticipation, which is a mortar to desire. The ability to imagine it,
as if it’s happening, to experience it as if it’s happening, while nothing is happening and everything is happening,
at the same time. So when I began to think about eroticism, I began to think about the poetics of sex. And if I look at it as an intelligence, then it’s something that you cultivate. What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery. But the central agent is really
that piece called the imagination. But more importantly,
for me to begin to understand who are the couples
who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go back
to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it
through a bifurcation by looking, actually, at trauma, which is the other side. And I looked at it, looking at the community
that I had grown up in, which was a community in Belgium,
all Holocaust survivors, and in my community,
there were two groups: those who didn’t die,
and those who came back to life. And those who didn’t die lived
often very tethered to the ground, could not experience
pleasure, could not trust, because when you’re vigilant,
worried, anxious, and insecure, you can’t lift your head
to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to life were those who understood
the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness
of the couples that I work with, I sometimes would hear people
say, “I want more sex,” but generally, people want better sex, and better is to reconnect
with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of Eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they’ve hoped
it would afford them. And so I began to ask
a different question. “I shut myself off when …”
began to be the question. “I turn off my desires when …” Which is not the same question as, “What turns me off is …”
and “You turn me off when …” And people began to say,
“I turn myself off when I feel dead inside,
when I don’t like my body, when I feel old, when I haven’t had time for myself, when I haven’t had a chance
to even check in with you, when I don’t perform well at work, when I feel low self esteem, when I don’t have a sense of self-worth, when I don’t feel like I have
a right to want, to take, to receive pleasure.” And then I began to ask
the reverse question. “I turn myself on when …” Because most of the time,
people like to ask the question, “You turn me on, what turns me on,” and I’m out of the question, you know? Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do
a lot of things for Valentine’s. It won’t make a dent.
There is nobody at the reception desk. (Laughter) So I turn myself on when, I turn on my desires, I wake up when … Now, in this paradox
between love and desire, what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients
that nurture love — mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry,
responsibility for the other — are sometimes the very ingredients
that stifle desire. Because desire comes
with a host of feelings that are not always
such favorites of love: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness, mischief. Basically most of us will get turned on
at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate
against during the day. You know, the erotic mind
is not very politically correct. If everybody was fantasizing
on a bed of roses, we wouldn’t be having such
interesting talks about this. (Laughter) But no, in our mind up there
are a host of things going on that we don’t always know
how to bring to the person that we love, because we think love
comes with selflessness and in fact desire comes
with a certain amount of selfishness in the best sense of the word: the ability to stay connected
to one’s self in the presence of another. So I want to draw
that little image for you, because this need to reconcile
these two sets of needs, we are born with that. Our need for connection,
our need for separateness, or our need for security and adventure, or our need for togetherness
and for autonomy, and if you think about the little kid
who sits on your lap and who is cozily nested here
and very secure and comfortable, and at some point all of us
need to go out into the world to discover and to explore. That’s the beginning of desire, that exploratory need,
curiosity, discovery. And then at some point they turn
around and they look at you. And if you tell them, “Hey kiddo, the world’s a great place. Go for it. There’s so much fun out there,” then they can turn away
and they can experience connection and separateness
at the same time. They can go off in their imagination,
off in their body, off in their playfulness, all the while knowing that there’s
somebody when they come back. But if on this side
there is somebody who says, “I’m worried. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. My partner hasn’t taken care
of me in so long. What’s so good out there? Don’t we have everything
you need together, you and I?” then there are a few little reactions that all of us can pretty much recognize. Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago, and that little child who comes back is the child who will forgo
a part of himself in order not to lose the other. I will lose my freedom
in order not to lose connection. And I will learn to love in a certain way that will become burdened with extra worry and extra responsibility
and extra protection, and I won’t know how to leave you in order to go play,
in order to go experience pleasure, in order to discover,
to enter inside myself. Translate this into adult language. It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives
up to the end. Child number two comes back but looks like that
over their shoulder all the time. “Are you going to be there? Are you going to curse me, scold me? Are you going to be angry with me?” And they may be gone,
but they’re never really away. And those are often the people
that will tell you, “In the beginning, it was super hot.” Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy wasn’t yet so strong that it actually led
to the decrease of desire. The more connected I became,
the more responsible I felt, the less I was able to let go
in your presence. The third child doesn’t really come back. So what happens,
if you want to sustain desire, it’s that real dialectic piece. On the one hand you want the security
in order to be able to go. On the other hand if you can’t go,
you can’t have pleasure, you can’t culminate,
you don’t have an orgasm, you don’t get excited
because you spend your time in the body and the head
of the other and not in your own. So in this dilemma about reconciling
these two sets of fundamental needs, there are a few things that I’ve come
to understand erotic couples do. One, they have a lot of sexual privacy. They understand
that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them. They also understand
that foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay pretty much starts
at the end of the previous orgasm. They also understand
that an erotic space isn’t about, you begin to stroke the other. It’s about you create a space
where you leave Management Inc., maybe where you leave the Agile program — (Laughter) And you actually just enter that place
where you stop being the good citizen who is taking care of things
and being responsible. Responsibility and desire just butt heads. They don’t really do well together. Erotic couples also understand
that passion waxes and wanes. It’s pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses. But what they know
is they know how to resurrect it. They know how to bring it back. And they know how to bring it back because they have
demystified one big myth, which is the myth of spontaneity, which is that it’s just going
to fall from heaven while you’re folding the laundry
like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood that whatever is going to just happen
in a long-term relationship, already has. Committed sex is premeditated sex. It’s willful. It’s intentional. It’s focus and presence. Merry Valentine’s. (Applause)

The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel
Tagged on:                                     

100 thoughts on “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel

  • March 13, 2019 at 10:09 pm
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    Desires met, when you offer yourself, Come closer please.

    Reply
  • March 14, 2019 at 5:08 pm
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    This woman is definitely on fetlife!

    Reply
  • March 16, 2019 at 6:21 pm
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    One of the best Ted talks I have ever seen. Absolutely brilliant. So insightful, intelligent, and helpful.

    Reply
  • March 22, 2019 at 1:19 am
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  • March 27, 2019 at 5:53 pm
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    We need more talks like this in our society , in our schools ffs.

    Reply
  • March 28, 2019 at 6:49 am
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    Wow esther perel you are just preaching

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  • March 28, 2019 at 6:50 am
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    Wow esther perel you are just preaching

    Reply
  • April 5, 2019 at 6:11 am
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    So many men are too one-dimensional to understand what she is talking about.

    Reply
  • April 8, 2019 at 6:42 pm
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    Great TED

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  • April 9, 2019 at 9:39 am
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    Yes — you nailed it and so articulate and humorous. Kudos Esther –

    Reply
  • April 11, 2019 at 10:19 pm
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    Thank God for YouTube. This information is good. This should be a requirement in a premarital class.

    Reply
  • April 19, 2019 at 7:06 pm
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    If you have sexual disorders of any sort, try to listen to quran recording for 10 minutes everyday for a month. You will notice a huge difference and change…talking out of experience.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2019 at 2:54 pm
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    Cheers for the Video! Sorry for butting in, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you thought about – Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (search on google)? It is an awesome one off guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the hard work. Ive heard some interesting things about it and my cousin finally got amazing results with it.

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  • April 24, 2019 at 9:30 am
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    Cheers for the video content! Sorry for butting in, I would love your opinion. Have you heard the talk about – Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (just google it)? It is a great one off guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the hard work. Ive heard some great things about it and my old buddy Taylor after many years got excellent results with it.

    Reply
  • April 24, 2019 at 5:50 pm
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    "For whoever will save his soul shall lose it…" — Matthew 16:25. It's unfortunate that today many intelligent people turn away from religion, would save them a lot of time. What Esther is saying has been formulated long ago. The problem is people take things literally, but the truth is always metaphorical. Carl Jung, Jesus Christ, Prophet Mohammed, Timothy Leary and Lao Tzu all speak of the same eternal truth, but from very different sides, using different techniques and in language that is more accessible to a particular group.

    Reply
  • April 25, 2019 at 4:06 pm
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    I like the speech, but I wouldn't say "we are the only species capable of… ". How do you know the animals don't experience sexuality fundamentally the same way we do? You don't. They do show the same behaviours and sometimes it seems even more complex. So why would it not be a profound and complex experience for at least some of them too?

    Reply
  • May 8, 2019 at 3:29 pm
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    Yikes https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/threelly-ai-for-youtube/dfohlnjmjiipcppekkbhbabjbnikkibo

    Reply
  • May 11, 2019 at 4:05 pm
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    Define relationship.just bored.

    Reply
  • May 11, 2019 at 4:10 pm
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    How are babies special? They are created through fatal erotic desire; either “love making “ or rape.
    Not so special

    Reply
  • May 17, 2019 at 11:13 am
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    females think MEN just need ' enlightenment' to fix them. truth be told females wouldn't survive 6 months if MEN check out

    Reply
  • May 18, 2019 at 11:55 am
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    Interesting

    Reply
  • May 20, 2019 at 6:44 pm
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    This video should be titled "Woman thinks of only herself and her needs."

    Reply
  • May 23, 2019 at 4:39 pm
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    how about open relationships and casual flings?

    Reply
  • May 24, 2019 at 1:14 pm
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    i do get 80% of what she is talking about, but the last part keeps me thinking..what about spontaneity and desire? how does this work in a commited relationship? somebody explain please 🙏

    Reply
  • May 25, 2019 at 1:52 pm
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    Tem o video com legenda em português?
    I want the video with subtitles in Portuguese.

    Reply
  • May 25, 2019 at 11:55 pm
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    Haha…too many head trips. I forfeit. 😅🔫

    Reply
  • May 29, 2019 at 1:46 pm
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    PHENOMENAL. So glad I watched this.

    Reply
  • May 29, 2019 at 7:28 pm
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    Very interesting talk, and no silly coarse jokes unlike some Ted talks on this subject. Very mature and accurate.

    Reply
  • May 30, 2019 at 4:33 am
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    I got the part where she says you should be passionate in life, career etc and then your relationship would be good. But is she also suggesting to go cheat and explore other options?

    Reply
  • May 31, 2019 at 1:48 pm
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    great.

    Reply
  • June 5, 2019 at 9:09 pm
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    wow in a nut shell…

    Reply
  • June 11, 2019 at 3:49 am
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    What you're wearing is a disaster.

    Be her travel companion, a friend, a shoulder to lean on for a few years, she marries another dude.

    Reply
  • June 11, 2019 at 11:30 am
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    Long term is way to draining

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  • June 12, 2019 at 7:35 am
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    This woman speaks truth like dragons 🐉 breathe 🔥!!!!

    Reply
  • June 12, 2019 at 9:11 am
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    Maaaaan she's so sexy….

    Reply
  • June 13, 2019 at 4:30 am
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    She is so brilliant

    Reply
  • June 13, 2019 at 8:38 am
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    The crisis of desire is that fat, wrinkled, unfit and declining people are counter attractive, and 60-70% of 27+ year olds are that.
    Oh, that permanency and security is dead with declining marriage rates AND increasing divorce rates, inspite of later marriage, more education and more individual growth and accomplishment and less marriage.
    No single or married man wants the average 30 year old woman. Be better, much better.

    Reply
  • June 14, 2019 at 12:08 pm
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    I have been with my wife for 20 years. I can tell that this woman speaks the truth.

    Reply
  • June 15, 2019 at 10:24 pm
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    Like Flaubert wrote – anticipation is the truest form of desire.

    Reply
  • June 17, 2019 at 3:51 pm
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    Give me… Give me… Give me…
    There is more than being the Receiver

    Reply
  • June 20, 2019 at 3:48 am
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    amazing insight, very eloquently presented

    Reply
  • June 20, 2019 at 6:14 pm
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    Did she actually reveal
    THE SECRET orrrrrrrr was I so enthralled with her intelligence and multidimensional descriptors that I was hypnotized? 😀

    Reply
  • June 21, 2019 at 12:53 am
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    This woman is definitely an expert in her field – she leaves no stone unturned. She seems to be one of kind!

    Listen and learn.

    Reply
  • June 21, 2019 at 8:44 pm
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    I look forward to sharing this with my partner 🙂

    Reply
  • June 22, 2019 at 3:07 pm
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    Single for nearly 20 years. But, boy, when I‘ll get into a relationship I am prepared.

    Reply
  • June 25, 2019 at 12:07 pm
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    How could one not like this talk? She’s brilliant.

    Reply
  • June 25, 2019 at 10:21 pm
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    Don’t get fat ladies simple

    Reply
  • June 28, 2019 at 2:05 pm
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    Desire is the strongest for that which seems just out of reach. Never heard of, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."? "Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows." – Sextus Propertius

    Reply
  • July 2, 2019 at 3:54 pm
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    Puxa so falo Portguês

    Reply
  • July 2, 2019 at 5:00 pm
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    I got help with my relationship with those guys:http://www.surgicalcoaching.net. It changed my life.

    Reply
  • July 2, 2019 at 6:30 pm
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    Amazing. This woman is spot-on, and perfectly encapsulates in her language, what so many of us feel about our romantic partners! And she's also spot-on about the American viewpoint that their partner must be their 'best friend'.

    I get soooo tired of hearing so many (hetero) Americans referring to their mate as their best friend. This is often said almost as a way to 'explain' why they are glued at the hip with this person. So many (hetero) American couples have this idea that they 'should' do all or most activities with their mate. They should only associate with other couples. (We often see this with couples going on vacation with 'a few other couples'.) Certain Americans who are in relationships will typically only reach out to a friend, to get together, only when their partner is otherwise engaged or out of town. Otherwise, they remain glued at the hip.

    If you were to say something about this to such a person, their retort will be 'oh, well naturally my partner is my best friend…I love doing everything with them. And if you can't understand that, well, then, you must never have been truly in love.'

    The above demonstrates Americans who are 'boring', insecure, can't think outside of the box, are conforming to how they believe society defines the behaviors of a couple, and/or they or their particular partner are controlling, jealous, etc.

    The best couples..the happiest and most mature and confident people…the strongest relationships…. are those where the two individuals involved have their own lives, their own friends, their own interests. That's not to say that such a couple can't be very much in love, and enjoy time with each other. On the contrary. But far too many Americans fall into this trap of very rigid ideas of what a supposedly healthy romantic relationship should look like, complete with wasteful diamond rings, excessive wedding receptions, an expensive silly frilly wedding dress, being glued at the hip, only associating with other couples, etc. (And no, couples do not simply have more 'in common' with other couples.)

    Reply
  • July 2, 2019 at 7:18 pm
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    Commitment is the surrender of "the self" as the center of ones focus.

    Reply
  • July 4, 2019 at 3:57 am
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    Is open relationship the best option for modern ppl ? You have fun but at the end of day, you have a home to go back and feel safe.

    Reply
  • July 4, 2019 at 7:02 pm
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    I suspected my wife of cheating on me but I never had any proof. This went on for months, I didn't know what to do. i was so paranoid and decided to find a solution, i saw a recommendation about a private investigator and decided to contact him. I explained the situation about my wife to him and he said he was going to help me.I gave him all the informations he required and afterwards i received all my wife’s Iphones Text messages, whatsApp messages and calls, I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover. I feel so bad about infidelity. but i am glad Mr james was able to help me get all this information, you can contact him via Gmail (worldcyberhackers) or whatsApp : +12678773020

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  • July 6, 2019 at 2:19 pm
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    Marriage is ridiculous

    Reply
  • July 9, 2019 at 3:16 pm
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    It is said that French is the most precise language. The language of diplomacy. The French that speak English have more clear understanding of the English language than native speakers. Wonderful.

    Reply
  • July 10, 2019 at 1:07 pm
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    For us.

    Reply
  • July 11, 2019 at 3:34 pm
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    What she says is just so confusing

    Reply
  • July 12, 2019 at 2:02 pm
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    This is so good!

    Reply
  • July 16, 2019 at 10:05 pm
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    The secret is to never forget what started the desire in the first place adventure, lust, conviction and uncertainty. As Tony Robbins says the more uncertainty you can accept the more fulfilling your relationship will be.

    Reply
  • July 17, 2019 at 7:26 am
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    Eye-opening, mind-blowing speech! Human mind is prone to paradox, and that fact often puzzles us. We need people like Esther Perel to help us understand that what seems chaotic or simply weird has an inner pattern.

    Reply
  • July 17, 2019 at 3:38 pm
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    Men, best advice is to go MGTOW and save yourself a lot of heart ache and you will never be violated in a family court.

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  • July 19, 2019 at 9:22 pm
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    Am I the only one who understands or thinks that as a couple we might need other people in our relationship to fulfill all those needs? But always connecting with our spouses? Or is that just my personal answer and solution. I would appreciate if you could leave a comment about this below. Thank you.

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  • July 21, 2019 at 2:52 am
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    WOW!….1.1 thousand hit the wrong like! Esther is so awesome!

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  • July 21, 2019 at 4:14 am
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    Tell me something I don't already know geez

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  • July 21, 2019 at 7:20 pm
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    Wisest woman on earth. Love her.

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  • July 23, 2019 at 6:14 pm
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    Desire is a want not a need, passion is a need and should dwindle the unneeded wants (covetings). Desire is the impulsive buying of things that waste time, space and money. True passion (not false lust) drives our true values of living.

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  • July 24, 2019 at 11:37 am
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    I am most drawn to my partner when my head is on his shoulder not where is a distance between us. Some people just cannot understand that they are born unable to live in long relationships. It's hard to accept, but they should accept it in order to be happy. They can have multiple relationships, because they cannot experience desire for one person all their lives, they need mystery or whatever. Love is desire for many many people, but not for everyone. People accept inequality of being born beautiful, intelligent, rich. The same inequality is with long relationships. Some people will never ever get this. You can try very hard, you can listen to this lady, but you will never be happy in long-term relationships.

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  • July 25, 2019 at 5:42 pm
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    I love to watch my partner is sleeping. His face is so peaceful. I want to kiss his relaxed lips. Feel his breath against my skin. He is giving me energy to get going to face another beautiful day ! 💕
    That is my foreplay …making breakfast together wearing just bottoms or light gown touching each other , bumping into each other on purpose , stolen kisses ….
    It beautiful…🍓

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  • July 28, 2019 at 1:39 am
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    Common sense in the age of craziness.

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  • July 30, 2019 at 2:43 am
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    Y la trduccion????

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  • July 30, 2019 at 6:01 am
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    Shakespeare, Sonnet 129.

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  • July 30, 2019 at 6:17 am
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    This woman is beautiful and dangerously smart. Bravo.

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  • July 30, 2019 at 3:48 pm
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    Listening to what she's saying makes me loose any interest in love or desire because she makes it seem like a game you can never win.

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  • July 31, 2019 at 6:39 am
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    Fantasize about her best friend. There, just saved you 20 min.

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  • July 31, 2019 at 1:13 pm
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    She isn't saying anything. Just flowery words and fantasyland idealism. Take her seriously and you will find yourself more confused.

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  • August 3, 2019 at 1:17 pm
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    Overrated

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  • August 6, 2019 at 2:07 pm
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    Men, dating women does not pass the cost/benefit analysis. Women do not value men anymore. They simply do not appreciate what we do. They are constantly saying, "The men and women who guard our borders" , etc. The reality is that without women we still have borders and police and firefighters to do the job. Without the men this country plunges into chaos. Also, why not save your money and build your wealth. Build a nest egg for the future. Why spend it on her? The minute she is pregnant with your child she is locked into your income for 20 years! No fault divorce turns father's into sperm donors. Marriage is simply too dangerous. Also, while you are dating or hanging out with women it is so easy for them to accuse you of harassment. Just the accusation is enough to ruin you. It is better for you guys to go MGTOW. Men Going Their Own Way. This is about maintaining your independence at all costs. Many women strip men of their independence. These are mangina men who just do what they are told or they go along with what she wants the majority of the time. This is because men want to please their wife or girlfriend like they wanted to please their mother. It is better to go MGTOW. Be independent and be your own man. Your definition, not theirs. Build your wealth in different areas of your life: 1) Build your financial wealth; 2) Build your emotional wealth-this means work on yourself and your toxic or negative thoughts. Learn how to feel good about who you are. Find a profession or a hobby that fulfills you. Enjoy life on your own terms; 3) Build your spiritual wealth-get n touch with your higher power, if you have one, or simply take time to be silent each day. Enjoy reconnecting with the earth through hiking or fishing, etc. Whatever peaceful activity you enjoy; 4) Build your physical wealth-go to the gym, walk regularly, see a physician regularly, eat healthy (I'm still working on that…lol), and listen to your body. This is a balanced life. If you want the company of a woman, that is fine but getting married locks her into your financial wealth even if she leaves. Women initiate close to 70% of all divorces. Be careful. Getting married allows her to strip you of your independence or most of it. Marriage takes time away from your participation in building your wealth in the areas that I have just mentioned. I have dinner with a woman once in awhile. I know many women and I like them, but i will not give them the one thing that I value most in life….ME!!! Go MGTOW, mgtow.com. This website is where we exchange ideas. There is a fee but it is worth it. The men on this website are not all of mgtow. MGTOW are in different countries all over the world. men are waking up. So, guys wake up!! The Matrix has you. Swallow the red pill that I just gave you!

    Tron

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  • August 8, 2019 at 5:41 pm
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    Keeping tab on your Wife or partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, contact [email protected] he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. he paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable

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  • August 9, 2019 at 12:16 am
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    Esther – please deliver your valuable information MORE SLOWLY. You speak too quickly, for many of us. Thanks !

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  • August 9, 2019 at 4:47 pm
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    Amazing

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  • August 11, 2019 at 11:35 am
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    The biggest point she brings up is the successful couples know how to resurrect passion when it wanes, but she doesnt mention how they do it. Can anybody clarify this?

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  • August 11, 2019 at 4:55 pm
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    I love this woman!! She is so right with everything!♥️

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  • August 13, 2019 at 7:19 am
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    She's everything. Her knowledge 🙌
    An institution. Love you Mam. 💕

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  • August 15, 2019 at 7:11 am
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    She gives so much information and wisdom in that video and I’m like “hold on, I want to take notes”. I love how she integrates her psychology knowledge to make it relevant for the subject of desire.

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  • August 19, 2019 at 10:37 pm
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    Have you studied how infertility affects desire?

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  • August 21, 2019 at 8:37 am
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    Word.

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  • August 23, 2019 at 6:43 am
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    I am so turned on by the way Esther moves like a 🐱 onstage… 2000 miles away 😂😂😂

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  • August 25, 2019 at 6:06 am
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    Seek first his kingdom and these things will be added to you.

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  • August 25, 2019 at 1:35 pm
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    yes infinity to esther perel

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  • August 26, 2019 at 2:39 pm
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    She speaks well but i have some issue with her accent. My brain skips understanding the sentences, i can only hear words without connection and a lot of iiiiii sound. English: "eeeeee"

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  • August 27, 2019 at 6:19 pm
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    Love, security, and predictability, and desire , need not oppose each other. Gratitude for having found a loved one, for who they are, and how that’s a hard to find commodity, can lead to ongoing passion. So can realistic expectations: nothing but nothing stays the same in life.

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  • August 28, 2019 at 1:18 pm
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    All your blather is just an excuse for women fucking over men.

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  • August 29, 2019 at 12:14 am
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    At 8:10 when she’s talking about wanting vs needing what does she mean? When she says anything that will bring up parenting will decrease the erotic charge? Thank you

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  • August 29, 2019 at 6:09 pm
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    We want to, but because of age and diminished hormones, coïtus is just not possible. Miss it so 🤦🏼‍♀️

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  • August 30, 2019 at 11:22 am
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    She just turned me on

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  • August 31, 2019 at 7:50 am
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    Few people speak this much sense so concisely, thankyou for your wisdom

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  • August 31, 2019 at 3:01 pm
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    Is this based on mating in captivity?

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  • September 6, 2019 at 7:16 pm
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    Yeah, people today are misguided more than ever. In the days of incredible science/technological feats, exponential leaps on a technological level, but it seems like our way of life and why in life is more lost than ever. The blind cannot lead the blind, that's why you shouldn't listen to most dating 'coaches' these days, but Esther Perel is one of the few good ones who wasn't afraid to speak out and tell the truth!

    And there's a real special type of grace in her delivery and way of being. She is wonderful.

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