Break-ups are almost invariably difficult,
but that isn’t to say there aren’t different degrees of complexity at stake in different
constellations. Nor does it preclude the existence of a cataclysmically painful but too-little
known type whom we can call the hardest person in the world to break up with.
A relationship with them begins like this: you’re very drawn to them. Perhaps they
very much attract you physically and their personality is compelling as well. You admire
them and, in areas, feel a lot of sympathy for them too; there’s probably something
in their past which really interests and touches you. You have no desire to break up, and in
fact, you’d love this to last till the end. For their part, they seem to be keen on you.
That’s what they’ve said on a number of occasions. They show no interest in leaving
you. They want this to be for the long-term, perhaps forever.
And yet there is a problem, a problem so grave and yet so hidden, so damaging and yet so
hard to grasp, that you can only bear slowly to face up to it. You start to realise that
the partner whom you love and who says they love you is having a grievously detrimental
effect on your mental or physical well-being. What wrong might the partner be perpetrating?
It is a spectrum. At one end, they might be hitting you. But the spectrum is long and
it contains all sorts of far more insidious ways in which, without ever raising a hand,
let alone a finger, one human can badly damage another. They might be having affairs, or
spending too much money. They might be addicted to something. Or, and this is properly hard
to get a grip on, they may be constantly ‘absent‘. They show no reliable warmth towards you,
they never initiate any touch, they may never hug. They are present but not really there.
Probably, as soon as these problems first arose, you started to complain. But you did
so softly, or sarcastically or bitterly. Not head on. After all, you love them and you’re
a good boy or girl. It can take a long time, years, decades, before you finally dare to
find your voice and come to a place of being able to raise an adult objection. What then
happens when you at last ask these types to face up to the harm you feel they are doing
to you? There are two main responses, both of them are appallingly hard to master, the
second is the very hardest. (i) They Confess it
Fed up at last, you tell them that you’ve had enough of the violence, affairs, addiction,
financial spend, distance, lack of intimacy, lack of sex… You raise an ultimatum. If
they don’t finally raise their game, you’re going to be leaving (even though, of course,
it’s the last thing you really want; you love them!). You may be shaking and flushed
after you have spoken. You’re feeling you might be crazy (surely it’s crazy to threaten
to leave someone you love who says they love you!). You’d expected all sorts of dark
responses on their part – but something that is on the surface rather lovely now happens.
They admit it! They confess! They say, my goodness you’re right, I hadn’t really
fully realised until now, until you made me finally open my eyes to how I’ve harmed
you. Baby, I hear you! Baby, I’m so sorry! The person promises that they will now change.
They just need a bit of time, they just need your understanding. They suggest getting themselves
a therapist, once a month or so. And then they’ll get on top of their issues. Their
ready candour is deeply moving – and suggests they really have a handle on their psyches.
You are, in any case, desperate to believe them, they have a very willing audience indeed.
The problem is that, despite their promises, the person doesn’t change at all. They make
a short term adjustment, strong enough to ensure you won’t leave them on the time-scale
you were threatening, but not profound enough to correct the problem – and allow you your
freedom. And in the gap between their promise to change and your realisation that they haven’t
got the ability (or perhaps intention) to do so, children may have been born (they wanted
kids to keep you around; you wanted them as a token of the happy future that was being
promised). Commitments pile up, and there are fewer options left in the world beyond.
You might not be so young any more. (ii) They Deny it
However hideous all the above sounds, there is an even worse kind of relationship to leave
than that. This is one with the same dynamics but with one extra twist at the end. When
you finally confront them with the problem, they don’t confess: they deny it! They tell
you you’re dreaming: you’re imagining it, not remotely, the problem lies with you,
they say. At the same time, they get very incensed and offended at the suggestion you’re
making: you’re so cynical about me, don’t you trust me?! How rude you are about me!
Why don’t you have more faith in me and in us? And they push back: you’re just as
neurotic as you say I am. The problem is with you and not me… This is mine-field territory.
Relationships and their interactions are generally not filmed. So it’s very hard for you to
back up your claims or even be sure of your verdicts, when they are relentlessly challenged:
is the loved one spending too much money; or am I just nagging? Are they actually flirting;
or am I just jealous? Are they failing to initiate sex; or am I just insecure? The partner
whom you love and really don’t want to leave and who says they love you adds to the difficulty
you face by enthusiastically telling you, with authority, that you really are a bit
crazy, that you are seeing things, that you are too demanding, that there’s something
wrong with you… Probably, you’re an open minded, nice, intelligent person – and open-minded,
nice, intelligent people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. After all, such
types know they aren’t perfect, they’re aware of everything they get wrong, they don’t
feel they’re brilliant in every way. Therefore, perhaps it’s quite plausible that here too,
you may be seeing things that aren’t there. Why insist, especially when you love your
partner and want to be with them? Here is a nice person telling you you are a bit mad
and imagining things? It’s a dispiriting message, but if disregarding your impulses
(and your emotional needs) is the price you pay for keeping a relationship aloft, maybe
it’s worth it. Maybe it’s worth thinking of yourself as a bit insane. At least you’ll
still have a partner. So, more time passes, and you stay put – and in that time, probably
there are more children, more entanglements, and less of life left for you to build on
afterwards. There is also highly likely to be a destruction of your sense of reality.
You will probably start to feel as mad as you’re being subtly told you are. You might
have a breakdown – which isn’t an ideal backdrop against which to leave anyone.
All that said, in both of the above cases, eventually, you will have to leave. Your long-term
mental well-being depends on it. But it isn’t a picnic, having to leave someone you love;
who says they love you – and who is either falsely promising to change or denying they
need to change because you’re the defective one to begin with.
You will feel extremely alone with this decision. You will be left to wrestle either with feelings
that you are nasty (for leaving someone who is promising again and again to change) or
that you are mad (for leaving someone who tells you you’re demented to doubt their
sincerity). You will have to destroy a relationship that might have children in it on the basis
of nothing more firm than an inner sense that your partner is doing something seriously
deficient to your wellbeing and cannot stop themselves doing it – despite telling you
they love you. And yet you will have to leave. In order to
leave, you will need to think in your mind: I am in love with someone who is damaged.
They cannot realistically change and may even be using me as a reason not to change. Or
they are in denial and are abusing my credulity and self-doubt not to look more honestly into
themselves. And you will have to think: there is probably something in my past, a history
of putting up with intolerable situations, which makes me a long-term sucker for this
sort of suffering. Mountain climbers know that certain peaks
cannot be climbed on one’s own. You need a climbing buddy, and in this context, let’s
call them a psychotherapist or a very very good friend, the sort who can put in the time
to reassure you of your sanity and who can be there for you at the inevitable moments
when you feel like you’re making the worst choice in the world even though, despite your
self-hating feelings that you’re impatient or getting everything wrong, you are in fact
in the process of taking the very best decision of your life. Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the trickiest and consequential decisions we can face. Our Stay or Leave card game can help us towards an answer. Click now to learn more.

The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With

100 thoughts on “The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With

  • August 10, 2019 at 10:56 am
    Permalink

    Holy crap! You just told my entire life story

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 11:00 am
    Permalink

    This is too powerful … and very close to my experience! ._.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 11:15 am
    Permalink

    So true, I'm in the just realising it's karmic stage, hopefully I'll find the strength soon to walk away, 🤞

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 11:25 am
    Permalink

    I was trying to leave the guy who (for the most part) ruined what was left of) my life, when he beat me to a pulp ( hospitalized for a month) when I got my order of protection he waited 6 months to get back into my life cops get called he does 4 months ( good behavior ROR ect) another cops called took well over an hour for response again so now I'm still trying to get away from him have no family to speak of police just make it worse 💔💔 how can I get away?

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 11:36 am
    Permalink

    Resonating

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 12:13 pm
    Permalink

    Never lower your standards, and sacrifice yourself.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 12:13 pm
    Permalink

    This is the story of the inner voice (or rather inner voices) as well as of the relationship between 2 (or more) people – analogous to an angel on one shoulder & a devil on the other. Which one is angel & which one is devil can be hard to tell b/c both could be either or the other as you shift perspectives. We do not live in a vacuum and everybody has needs (or needs disguised as wants) so this dialogue (over competing needs & interests) will occur. Assuming there are (at least) 2 arguing people – a couple, each with (at least) 2 arguing inner voices – a conscience, there are (at least) 4 actors involved.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 1:17 pm
    Permalink

    Why does this remind me of Jelena?😶

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 1:52 pm
    Permalink

    People can change though

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 1:55 pm
    Permalink

    😻🤩 Thank you for this video! 🙂 It came to me in a stream. I've been feeling so "stagnant" but I have found courage to fuel my move away from toxicity in ALL my relationships, and this video reinforces the positivity I have set forth towards myself. Thank you.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 2:02 pm
    Permalink

    Just like us and the EU, then.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 2:15 pm
    Permalink

    Two Words: Narcissistic Relationship

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 2:21 pm
    Permalink

    Yikes!!! The minute this mentions kids as a way to keep someone around, I cringed!

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 3:05 pm
    Permalink

    The moral of this story is . Don't try to change people. This sort of person will mess up every one who comes into their life. They are ridiculously 2 faced they don't even know who they are. It's the msn who wants to be a family man YET wants to be off in London strip clubs with little girls and brags about their drinking/drug use.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 3:06 pm
    Permalink

    When he is with his little hoe he will slag off the clean living family woman. Why ? He is scared of being boring and middle aged.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 3:10 pm
    Permalink

    Unlove them..pray and think clearly..

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 3:36 pm
    Permalink

    “You will have to leave”

    In a toxic relationship right now. It’s like a bad drug, you have to quit or it will age you and kill you. Stress kills.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 3:45 pm
    Permalink

    what if this is a mother-daughter relationship..

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 4:07 pm
    Permalink

    The main prob most ppl stuck and dont have the courage to leave is because they believe in toxic positivity that saying their partner will change after they say sorry or i stay bcz of my child, i dont want he/she doesnt hv complete parents or if i can stay longer it means sunnah. I saw too much ppl like that. Let me tell u, if u deal with a narc, they will not change. Staying in comfort zone will not help u. It only make things worst.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 4:19 pm
    Permalink

    Video clearly intended to pander to women. They are the cold, narcissistic and materialistic sex. Fuck off!

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 4:20 pm
    Permalink

    Narcisissts

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 4:35 pm
    Permalink

    I thought I was watching a video but instead I saw my reflection :'( I pray time will heal everything

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 4:42 pm
    Permalink

    Well did she really expect that dating a loin would work out well?

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 4:55 pm
    Permalink

    I relate too much to this (not the kid part tho) andddd that’s why I’m over relationships, at least for now 🙍🏽‍♀️ it’s bullshit cause right when I’m in the middle of healing someone who is so kind and loving wants to open their heart to me but I’m not done healing and I don’t know when or if I’ll ever heal enough to be ready to be with someone again.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 5:36 pm
    Permalink

    This was me. I left and he killed himself.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 6:14 pm
    Permalink

    Wow you made a video about my wife (with whom I’m going through a divorce at the moment). The difference is that when I have her the ultimatum, she blamed me and up and left instead of trying to fix the problem.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 6:59 pm
    Permalink

    @theschooloflife is there a reason why it was a female and not a man shown in the scenario?

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 7:58 pm
    Permalink

    Wow this came out on Lions Gate and the character is a Lion.

    The top comment also had 888 likes at the time 🦁

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 9:20 pm
    Permalink

    The School of Life, my dog is dying. Is there any way you can make an issue about death, grief, or death of a beloved animal? These experiences are extremely common with a lot of people discussing and offering help for centuries, yet I am certain many people will resonate to your video if you make one. Thanks.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 10:05 pm
    Permalink

    big mood.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 10:34 pm
    Permalink

    Just a couple of minutes into the video and I cannot help to think about the tactics used by malignant narcisists, people with BPD and psychopaths, tactics used to destroy your soul.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 10:52 pm
    Permalink

    Thought I was crazy, this is real. Be strong, love yourself.

    Reply
  • August 10, 2019 at 11:37 pm
    Permalink

    I thought this was going to have a plot twist and be about your past self, but this is immensely useful too.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 12:24 am
    Permalink

    This is so timely. My partner and I have recently split up. I am the one in this video that has hurt her and admitted having mental health issues and am finally getting help, I'd do and say anything to keep her in my life.
    While it hurts me so much, seeing this video really drives home that if I love her as much as I know I do, I need to let her go. Be free. Perhaps fix my own problems on my own and possibly try asking her out on a date down the track.

    Thanks for the thought-provoking videos!

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 12:24 am
    Permalink

    Definitely see this in myself and my relationship. I try to be diplomatic about my toxicity, damn that sounds toxic…

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 1:54 am
    Permalink

    Is sex so important ?

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 3:40 am
    Permalink

    That's exactly my story. It happened to me twice and now I'm alone for 5 years. Because I'm done with abusive relationship, but maybe not ready for normal ones. Because nice and confident men just don't want to waste their time for me. And I still attract broken personas, maybe because I'm still broken myself 😿

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 4:51 am
    Permalink

    Absolutely wonderful video on this dynamic!! Thank you!!!

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 6:10 am
    Permalink

    Yes. It is hard but possible. It took me one month to get over a toxic relationship, it was the best decision that I’ve ever made.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 6:13 am
    Permalink

    Need some help .where to contact?

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 7:05 am
    Permalink

    Exactly how it was in my past, it took a lot of time to understand what was going on,my case was the second one from video above. After my decision to break up my 20 years relationship with 3 kids my husband commited suicide. I am very sorry for him, but glad to have a chance to start my own life, being relaxed and buildeng a new "me".Good luck for everyone and many thanks to Alain.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 9:23 am
    Permalink

    I stopped at the lack of sex. No one owes you that if you are dating. Sex is nice and important. The delivery has to be kind. Try to be romantic or something. If you complain… you are asking for guilty sex…. and they will begin to hate you.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 10:09 am
    Permalink

    RUN! Run AWAY from these people.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 10:13 am
    Permalink

    You cannot want more for others than they want for themselves.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 10:37 am
    Permalink

    Never before has someone summed up my relationship so accurately! I'm about to cry!

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 12:55 pm
    Permalink

    Relationship breakup is like a bomb. Once you start a argument. It starts a fire. Then that after it explodes. You start to realise your single again. all alone

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 3:17 pm
    Permalink

    Watching this was moderately traumatizing… Reminded me of someone I once loved deeply. Damn

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 7:49 pm
    Permalink

    Excellent video

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 8:38 pm
    Permalink

    That lion saying baby made me feel uncomfortable.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 8:44 pm
    Permalink

    So thankful I didn’t have children with my toxic ex!

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 9:21 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you. I needed this.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 9:38 pm
    Permalink

    This is an outstanding tutorial. Thank you for sharing this and I shall do the same. Kindly, Mary Jane Hurley Brant

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 10:49 pm
    Permalink

    The Narcissist

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 11:19 pm
    Permalink

    Did they find Epstein’s corpse yet

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 11:40 pm
    Permalink

    You should do a video about derealization!

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 11:56 pm
    Permalink

    Being in a relationship like this is mentally, emotionally physically and spiritually draining. From the manipulation to the constant verbal subtle abuse. This person will drive you to insanity. Stop making excuses for them even to yourself, stop empathizing, they do not care about your feelings, do not underestimate how far they will go to manipulate your perception in order to favour their interests. You need to run, just run and don’t look back.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 12:18 am
    Permalink

    Thanks for yet another great post TSOL. Of course, the sympathy is for both individuals in such a dynamic, always.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 1:03 am
    Permalink

    Abusive

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 2:05 am
    Permalink

    The only thing with this video is people are rarely just the "open-minded, nice, and intelligent" one of the relationship; that position could even change with time in that specific relationship, and too much can have such a drastic change on people.

    What I've noticed in my short time is that often, both partners can be that monster, and even someone seemingly good can change overtime for a reason you may never even be aware of.

    As much as this is a message to be aware of a toxic partner/relationship, but I think it should also serve as a means of self reflection. Are you some of these toxic things? Do you do these things? Can this be you under the right circumstances???

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 5:00 am
    Permalink

    This channels beats the hell out of Jordan Peterson. Lol.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 5:04 am
    Permalink

    this was him.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 5:12 am
    Permalink

    this spoke about my last relationship so accurately and so candidly i started crying midway through. this video speaks to me on a spiritual level.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 5:26 am
    Permalink

    A long time sucker….damn

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 6:09 am
    Permalink

    is it weird to hear the narrator say the word “baby”?

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 6:55 am
    Permalink

    For a long time, I felt like I was crazy because my narcissistic boyfriend would deny everything I said. It feels relieving to know that other people have been through this. I feel like my feelings and experiences have been validated.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 7:29 am
    Permalink

    My husband is like this and iam afraid to leave him because of our baby girl 🙁 I dont want her to grow up without a father , also iam afraid I will not find a good man who loves me and my daughter 💔

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 9:50 am
    Permalink

    This is a weird video. Too many different messages and problems that don't correlate.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 10:02 am
    Permalink

    Not everyone in a relationship are in love. If you're unhappy and feeling "damaged" by the other person you're in a relationnship. Love will never abandon.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 10:10 am
    Permalink

    Why did you put Lion 🦁 as a male facing a women ?

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 11:21 am
    Permalink

    Please do a video on Fernando Pessoa there is this meme of saying he is the top 4 greatest contemporary writers

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 3:11 pm
    Permalink

    This happens when u r in a relationship with a lion.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 3:30 pm
    Permalink

    I can’t believe I watched this video just when I needed it. Thank you for making me feel better!

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 3:31 pm
    Permalink

    I feel like this channel has been creeping in on my personal life 😂

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 4:43 pm
    Permalink

    Man! This is deeppppp. Sadly, I love him. 💔

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 5:32 pm
    Permalink

    “when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags” – Wanda, Bojack Horseman.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 6:18 pm
    Permalink

    Omg this is my life 😕

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 6:45 pm
    Permalink

    The lion who does not show affection or little love is my girlfriend to the point. When i get mad and we fight she blames me and will even quote the Bible to put herself in the right. She is pure poison.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 6:54 pm
    Permalink

    That’s why I prefer the single life have sex with whoever but with no relationship. Or what ppl call friends with benefits 🤣

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 7:10 pm
    Permalink

    The person described in this seems more like a psychopath than a narccicist, for all the commenters saying NPD.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 7:18 pm
    Permalink

    Ready for Freedom… space.. thank you for this video

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 7:53 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you. This is just what I needed to hear 🙏 I can see myself in what is portrayed here. To all of you who are in the same situation I say: FOLLOW YOUR GUTS and trust yourself. I felt that it wasn't me being crazy or demanding. These toxic partners could be unaware of their own toxicity and genuinely believe they are no wrong. Be strong and seek happiness 🌈

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 8:19 pm
    Permalink

    They are extremely manipulating.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 8:52 pm
    Permalink

    Ouch!

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 9:02 pm
    Permalink

    lol ya so right sometimes its both all in the same person

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 9:08 pm
    Permalink

    It took a really hard long relationship with someone that I deeply cared about to realize how toxic I had become. I experienced this in my relationships and then i perpetrated this behaviour on my own. I am this person. I don't want to be this person.

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 9:10 pm
    Permalink

    Can you offer any further reading on this?

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 9:10 pm
    Permalink

    Can you offer anymore on the distant partner? Thank you

    Reply
  • August 12, 2019 at 9:15 pm
    Permalink

    Jyoti(Meri) aukat nhi hai teri, Jyoti sirf tere sath prince se marriage and crown ki apni programming ke liye hogi. Tujh mein kisko interest hoga.

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 12:05 am
    Permalink

    narcissisit ,there bad news and can be really evil. that's there main trick making you think your going mad .or gas lighting

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 1:07 am
    Permalink

    This is incredibly accurate

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 1:52 am
    Permalink

    This is me.

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 1:59 am
    Permalink

    Shaggy once said… 'It wasn't me… Even she got it on camera' 😂😂😂

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 2:23 am
    Permalink

    Great video

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 3:46 am
    Permalink

    😢😢 wow

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 5:07 am
    Permalink

    Gimme a G!
    Gimme an L!
    G a s l i g h t i n g b a b e !

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 5:30 am
    Permalink

    can you make a video on psychology of children of parents who never stop fighting. both of whom maniacally fight n argue, but don't leave each other. what is the psychology of such Children and how does theae children cope in romantic relationship if themselves.

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 6:13 am
    Permalink

    I REALLY FUCKING NEEDED THIS, thank you ❤️

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 6:18 am
    Permalink

    A narc lol

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 6:30 am
    Permalink

    Trust me women these days complain about every small thing
    They complain about everything in their life
    that is the root cause of their Unhappiness

    Reply
  • August 13, 2019 at 7:14 am
    Permalink

    wow it was beautiful and so enlightening !!! thanks buddy!!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *