IT’S WRONG TO MAKE FUN
OF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, BUT IT’S SO FUN SOMETIMES. I’VE WRITTEN
FOR SOME TV SHOWS, AND, YOU KNOW,
ON A MAJOR TV SHOW, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT
WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PEOPLE ‘CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET OFFENDED, OR SO IT HAS BEEN
EXPLAINED TO ME. I WAS ONCE–
I’LL TELL YOU THIS. I WAS WRITING FOR
AN AWARDS SHOW ONCE, AND I GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE. I WROTE A JOKE
FOR THIS AWARDS SHOW THAT HAD THE WORD “MIDGET”
IN IT. AND SOMEONE FROM THE NETWORK
CAME DOWN TO OUR OFFICES AND HE SAID TO ME, “HEY, YOU CAN’T PUT THE WORD
‘MIDGET’ ON TV.” AND I SAID,
“I SURE WOULD LIKE TO.” AND HE SAID, “NO, ‘MIDGET’
IS AS BAD AS THE N-WORD.” FIRST OFF, NO. NO, IT’S NOT. “DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW
IT’S NOT,” I SAID TO HIM, “IS BECAUSE WE’RE SAYING
THE WORD ‘MIDGET’ “AND WE’RE NOT EVEN SAYING
WHAT THE N-WORD IS. “IF YOU’RE COMPARING
THE BADNESS OF TWO WORDS, “AND YOU WON’T EVEN SAY
ONE OF THEM… THAT’S THE WORSE WORD.” I DON’T MEAN TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT CENSORSHIP AT ALL, THOUGH, BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLY
HAVE SEEN BY NOW, YOU CAN BASICALLY SAY
WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TELEVISION. IT’S RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT. AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, YOU SHOULD WATCH
A LITTLE PROGRAM CALLEDLAW & ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.
YEAH. A SHOW THAT I LOVE. BECAUSE ON THAT SHOW,
YOU CAN SAY THE GROSSEST THINGS YOU’VE EVER HEARD
IN YOUR LIFE. NO, YOU CAN’T SAY LIKE
THE F-WORD. YOU CAN’T SAY THAT
ONSPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.BUT PEOPLE WALK AROUND ONSVU
GOING LIKE, “LOOKS LIKE THE VICTIM HAD
ANAL CONTUSIONS. “YO, LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND SEMEN
AND FECAL MATTER IN THE VICTIM’S EAR CANAL.” THOSE ARE TWO REAL THINGS
THAT I HEARD ONLAW & ORDER: SVU
AT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, BOTH SPOKEN BY ICE-T. ICE-T IS A DETECTIVE
WITH THE SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT. HE HANDLES NEW YORK’S
MOST SENSITIVE CASES. I LOVE ICE-T ONSVU.
HE IS FANTASTIC. HE’S AWESOME. WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE’S BEEN WITH THE SVU
FOR LIKE, MM, 11 YEARS NOW. BUT HE STILL TREATS EVERY CASE
LIKE IT’S HIS FIRST IN TERMS OF TOTAL CONFUSION. SOMETIMES THEY’LL BE IN
THE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION AND ICE-T WILL BE LIKE,
“YO, YOU TELLING ME THIS DUDE GETS OFF ON LITTLE GIRLS
WITH PIGTAILS?” IT’S LIKE, “YEAH, ICE. “HE’S A PEDOPHILE. “YOU WORK IN THE SEX CRIMES
DIVISION. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
USED TO THAT.” YOU KNOW HOW THEY TRY
AND TIE IN, LIKE, CURRENT EVENTS TO EVERY EPISODE OFSVU?SO THERE WAS THIS EPISODE
I SAW A WHILE AGO THAT WAS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION. ‘CAUSE A LOT OF CELEBRITIES
HAVE COME OUT AS SEX ADDICTS. SO THE EPISODE’S ABOUT
SEX ADDICTION. THERE IS A SCENE IN THE EPISODE
WHERE THE OTHER DETECTIVES ARE TRYING TO TEACH ICE-T
WHAT SEX ADDICTION IS, AND IT TAKES A COUPLE
OF MINUTES. AND FINALLY, ICE-T GETS IT. AND THEY CUT TO HIM
IN THIS CLOSE-UP AND HE GOES,
“OH, I GET IT. “YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN SOMEONE
DRINKS TOO MUCH… OR SNORTS COCAINE…OR BETS
THE HOUSE ON THE PONIES?” I WAS LIKE,
“YEAH, YOU GOT IT, MAN,” AND I WAS PSYCHED
THAT ICE-T UNDERSTOOD SO THAT THEY COULD CONTINUE
WITH THE INVESTIGATION. BUT I COULD’VE WATCHED
ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF ICE-T JUST NAMING
EXAMPLES. JUST THAT CLOSE-UP
AND ICE-T LIKE, “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SMOKES
TOO MANY CIGARETTES? “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SHOPS
TOO MUCH WITH CREDIT CARDS? “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE PLAYS
TOO MANY SCRATCHY LOTTERIES? “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE
EATS TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE CAKE? “OR LIKE WHEN EATS TOO MUCH
CHOCOLATE CAKE AND THEN BARFS IT UP?” AND HE WOULD JUST KEEP TALKING
AND IT WOULD SLOWLY FADE OUT AND SAY, “EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
DICK WOLF.” THAT’D BE MY IDEAL EPISODE.
THAT’D BE A GOOD ONE. I ALSO WATCH THE SHOW CALLED
COLD CASE FILES.
ONCOLD CASE FILES,
THEY SOLVE OLD MURDERS AND IT’S REALLY INTERESTING. ‘CAUSE WHAT I LEARN FROM IT
IS THAT IT WAS REALLY EASY TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
BEFORE THEY KNEW ABOUT DNA. IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY EASY. LIKE, WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ON
BACK THEN? WHAT WAS A MURDER INVESTIGATION
LIKE IN 1935? ONE COP WOULD JUST WALK IN
AND BE LIKE, “DETECTIVE, WE FOUND A POOL OF THAT KILLER’S
BLOOD IN THAT HALLWAY.” AND HE WOULD JUST BE LIKE,
“HMM, GROSS. “MOP IT UP. “NOW THEN, BACK TO MY HUNCH. “HMM… “LOOK FOR CLUES. “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE’LL DO. “WE’LL DRAW CHALK
AROUND WHERE THE BODY IS. THAT WAY,
WE’LL KNOW WHERE IT WAS.” A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I SAW
THIS MOVIE CALLEDPUBLIC ENEMIESWITH JOHNNY DEPP. IT WAS ABOUT OLD BANK ROBBERS
AND STUFF. HERE’S HOW EASY IT WAS
TO GET AWAY WITH BANK ROBBERY BACK IN THE ’30S. AS LONG AS YOU
WEREN’T STILL THERE WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED, YOU HAD A 99% CHANCE
OF GETTING AWAY WITH IT. TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE,
THOSE OLD BANK ROBBERS, THEY TAKE CREDIT
FOR THE BANK ROBBERIES. LIKE, THEY COME
RUNNING OUT OF THERE AND THEY’RE LIKE,
“HA, HA, HA! “AND IF ANYONE ASKS,
YOU TELL ‘EM IT WAS GOLDEN JOE AND THE SUGGINS GANG!” AND THEN THEY LIKE
SHOOT “SUGGINS” INTO THE SIDE OF THE WALL. IT’S LIKE, WHAT?
WERE BULLETS FREE BACK THEN? AND THEY DON’T EVEN
DISGUISE THEMSELVES. THEY DRESS UP
FOR THE BANK ROBBERY. THEY’RE ROLLING IN THERE
IN, LIKE, BIG SUITS AND HATS LIKE THEY’RE GOING TO CHURCH
IN ATLANTA. THEY MAKE A DAY OF IT.

John Mulaney: New in Town – Ice-T on “SVU” & Old Murder Investigations

100 thoughts on “John Mulaney: New in Town – Ice-T on “SVU” & Old Murder Investigations

  • April 15, 2019 at 3:30 am
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    “That way we’ll know where it was”

    The closeup and the eyes going side to side had me rollin

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  • April 15, 2019 at 10:59 pm
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    Midget is as bad as the N-word
    No, no its not

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  • April 16, 2019 at 6:03 pm
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    Didn’t know the Flash did Stand Up

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  • April 16, 2019 at 10:22 pm
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    The "Golden Joe and the Suggens gang" bit made me howl. "were bullets FREE back then"

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  • April 22, 2019 at 6:20 pm
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    I love this bit. If you've ever watched SVU you can relate to this gag and it just works!

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  • April 23, 2019 at 1:01 pm
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    Source: https://youtu.be/vwdkNhPV3ss

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  • April 24, 2019 at 1:21 am
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    Omg he was so you g

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  • April 25, 2019 at 6:36 pm
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    Never gets old.

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  • April 26, 2019 at 1:07 am
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    @2:22 is that the guy from daredevil?

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  • April 29, 2019 at 12:29 am
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    Actually in the 30s tream based forensic investigations started
    Before that time 1910 it was the job only a pathologist could do
    A so called celebrity pathologist'
    In the 30s the advanced techniques of using a team was more efficient and had a great impact, in 1980 the DNA identification was another breakthrough in forensics

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  • April 30, 2019 at 4:53 pm
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    Dam this dude is actually so funny it motivated me to get my life together
    You look like a fucking nerd though

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  • May 2, 2019 at 10:00 am
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    The only good one was the last minute and the blood pool joke.

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  • May 3, 2019 at 4:37 am
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    I'm here to give a check on his "feminine hips"

    I like it.

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  • May 3, 2019 at 8:46 pm
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    ‘First off, no.’

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  • May 3, 2019 at 11:44 pm
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    So this is why Ice T was lampooning himself on the most recent "GoT SUV" sketch from SNL… makes sense now

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  • May 5, 2019 at 12:51 am
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    His Ice T impression on the ‘Or like when….’ part sounded like Jason from ‘The Good Place’.

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  • May 5, 2019 at 8:36 pm
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    omfg the part about Ice T examples 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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  • May 6, 2019 at 1:06 am
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    John mulaney is the funniest man on planet earth

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  • May 7, 2019 at 9:58 pm
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    You know the writing is bad because ice t is the designated character to explain shit to the audience.

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  • May 8, 2019 at 1:14 am
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    Lmaoooo!!!😭🤣

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  • May 9, 2019 at 1:55 am
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    1:33 is basically fucked in the ass
    1:37 is basically ear-rape and shit talking

    if that doesn't mean anything then idk what it means

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  • May 10, 2019 at 6:41 am
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    "I'll tell ya what we'll do…We'll draw chalk around where the body is. That way we'll know where it was."

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  • May 10, 2019 at 10:27 am
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    I fucking adore him.

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  • May 11, 2019 at 1:24 am
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    " First off no "

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  • May 12, 2019 at 4:18 am
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    Big. Mouth. Andrew 😭

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  • May 13, 2019 at 8:35 pm
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    My own list of Ice T addiction examples

    You mean like when someone drinks all the chocolate milk
    Or when someone takes too many pills
    Or when someone plays too much Fortnite
    Or when someone buys too many bags of candy
    Or when someone watches too many youtube videos
    Or when someone watches too many youtube videos, and then falls asleep cuz it’s 5 in the morning

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  • May 14, 2019 at 11:23 pm
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    why he looks 20 but is like 40

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  • May 19, 2019 at 2:34 am
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    SCRATCHY LOTTERIES LMFAO TOOK ME OUT!

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  • May 19, 2019 at 10:44 pm
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    Semen and fecal matter in the ear canal……😂

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  • May 20, 2019 at 1:12 am
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    Guy in the front seat with a blue plaid button up reminds me of Will Graham….

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  • May 23, 2019 at 10:21 pm
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    this is racist

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  • May 23, 2019 at 11:22 pm
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    LOL @ "….like they're going to church in Atlanta…they make a day of it".

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  • May 23, 2019 at 11:27 pm
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    Still treats every case like it's his first, in terms of total confusion….

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  • May 25, 2019 at 5:56 pm
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    I want John to explain to me service pets on planes and how they piss and shit on the plane?

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  • May 25, 2019 at 6:13 pm
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    This will never not be funny to me.

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  • May 25, 2019 at 7:10 pm
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    Lol Mulaney is savage against these SJW thots

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  • May 26, 2019 at 5:52 am
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    Doesn't seem like it but Mulaney is a sick fuck. Love ya man!

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  • May 27, 2019 at 10:27 pm
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    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwdkNhPV3ss
    Just leaving this here. Feel free to enjoy and thumbs this comment up so more people can see it

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  • May 28, 2019 at 3:04 pm
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    Funny "or like when" on point lol

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  • May 28, 2019 at 3:07 pm
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    Hahahah golden Joe and the sugans gang Lol hahahhahahaha

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  • May 30, 2019 at 6:30 am
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    3:54 did he just make fun of fluffy

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  • May 30, 2019 at 12:57 pm
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    He is such a good comedian

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  • June 3, 2019 at 12:27 pm
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    I love at the end when he says "they make a day of it"

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  • June 3, 2019 at 3:27 pm
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    That tall child looks terrible.

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  • June 4, 2019 at 6:52 am
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    So vanilla….

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  • June 4, 2019 at 8:02 pm
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    Don’t forget, “Glitter in the anal canal.” That one had me dying. This guy too 😂

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  • June 5, 2019 at 3:42 am
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    first off…. no.

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  • June 5, 2019 at 8:13 pm
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    Sticks and stones and M16's may break your bones, but beware of the evil words!

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  • June 8, 2019 at 11:48 pm
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    I had no idea he was this funny. I missed out

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  • June 9, 2019 at 10:23 pm
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    “Uhhh NO, no it’s NOT”

    Lol is he married??💋

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  • June 11, 2019 at 4:12 pm
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    Protestsnt guilt gave birth to Sex Addiction. Both the condition and the people.

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  • June 13, 2019 at 6:26 pm
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    This is what your looking for 3:13

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  • June 15, 2019 at 5:25 am
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    "Scratchy lotteries"

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  • June 15, 2019 at 7:02 pm
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    Yeah, that n-word and midget joke was stolen from Tom Segura…

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  • June 20, 2019 at 1:31 pm
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    “My mom says I’m sweet and that’s why spiders keep biting me!”

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  • June 21, 2019 at 1:25 pm
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    He looks like Barry Allen

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  • June 21, 2019 at 8:00 pm
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    The fuck wrong with this niggas hips

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  • June 23, 2019 at 6:22 am
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    Write A joke with a midget?? More like 10 😂 ♥️ for my boy Bill Hader

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  • June 24, 2019 at 8:44 am
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    "Ha, ha ha! And if anyone asks you tell 'em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins gang." (Rat-ta-tat-tat I'm spelling my name in the wall with a machine gun.)

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  • June 28, 2019 at 6:24 pm
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    Bruh when he was doing Ice T close up, he kinda sounded like gangster Brandon Rogers

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  • June 29, 2019 at 5:53 am
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    Amazing

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  • July 1, 2019 at 4:37 am
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    I haven’t seen anyone bring this up so I will… that’s definitely Charlie Cox at 2:22.

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  • July 3, 2019 at 4:28 am
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    The killers blood joke really killed me. Hilariously funny =D

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  • July 4, 2019 at 2:06 am
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    He looks like berry from Flash

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  • July 4, 2019 at 4:41 am
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    He was sodomized…by a banana!

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  • July 5, 2019 at 2:13 pm
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    The fuck. He is irresistible. I love the way he speaks

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  • July 6, 2019 at 3:30 am
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    i think about this clip everytime i watch svu

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  • July 6, 2019 at 3:20 pm
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    Does this guy play Andrew on big mouth?

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  • July 7, 2019 at 2:31 pm
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    That was fun 😁

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  • July 8, 2019 at 8:27 am
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    He voiced Spider-Ham in Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse

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  • July 8, 2019 at 12:59 pm
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    Does anyone know what episode of law and order SVU he’s talking about is?

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  • July 8, 2019 at 6:10 pm
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    Big suits and hats like their going to church in Atlanta!! Brilliant. Absolutely just brilliant. 😂😂😂

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  • July 8, 2019 at 7:19 pm
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    I remember that episode

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  • July 9, 2019 at 12:44 am
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    Wow, look at that high-waisted man. He sure has feminine hips, huh?

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  • July 9, 2019 at 9:50 pm
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    "Mmm, gross!" 😆😆😆

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  • July 11, 2019 at 9:19 pm
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    4:27 bruh I can't deal with him.

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  • July 12, 2019 at 11:32 pm
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    I don’t find him funny but I do enjoy his stories

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  • July 14, 2019 at 2:29 pm
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    Was that Charlie Cox?

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  • July 19, 2019 at 12:30 am
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    "Scratchy lotteries".😂

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  • July 20, 2019 at 3:16 am
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    John looks like John F Kennedy Jr's clone of a clone of a clone …. feel free to use that one

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  • July 20, 2019 at 4:58 am
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    That ice t joke slays me every time. Can’t make jokes like that nowadays without everyone getting crazy offended

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  • July 21, 2019 at 9:23 am
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    The scene he's mentioning at 3:13 is the Season 2 episode called Secrets. About 22 minutes into the episode.

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  • July 22, 2019 at 5:16 am
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    I love watching his shows to fall asleep because I end up dreaming about what he’s saying, but I see his character from big mouth.

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  • July 22, 2019 at 1:41 pm
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    John Mulaney wears the greatest suits – but that one isn't one of them. What happened?! Is it prostate-exam-related?? xox

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  • July 23, 2019 at 11:11 am
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    you are wonderful looking, a really gorgeous guy ! and funny !

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  • July 26, 2019 at 11:20 am
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    Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang

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  • July 27, 2019 at 2:20 am
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    this was in the suggestions from a video about little people lol

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  • July 29, 2019 at 12:09 am
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    I love him so muchhhh he's so cute n smart

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  • July 31, 2019 at 11:10 pm
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    Mick Jagger is right…….

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  • August 1, 2019 at 12:06 am
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    I always felt like ice's character was like someone's dad blundered into a police investigation and just decided to make himself useful, immediately making him my favorite character.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one.

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  • August 1, 2019 at 6:00 am
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    You’re awesome buddy!

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  • August 3, 2019 at 5:19 pm
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    I’m pretty sure he ripped the midget joke from Tom Segura

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  • August 11, 2019 at 10:47 pm
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    Spider ham

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  • August 14, 2019 at 3:07 am
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    Anybody else type in "John mulaney hmm gross" to get here?

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  • August 14, 2019 at 10:01 pm
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    I saw screen banner for a news story that said “which slur is worse? ‘Cracker’ or the ‘N’ word?” I was like “i bet i know!”

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  • August 15, 2019 at 1:24 am
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    Thanks to this joke whenever I watch SVU I start laughing at the most inappropriate times.

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  • August 15, 2019 at 2:14 am
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    that way we’ll know where it was.

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  • August 15, 2019 at 9:59 pm
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    @chris cuomo

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  • August 18, 2019 at 11:01 pm
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    mm gross! mop it up!

    Reply

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