I decided to travel from Sydney to the Australian Bush, a dangerous land where only the strong survive. That’s why I hired someone strong to guide me. Kevin.
Good to see you. It’s good to see you. This is a vest that I wore in the ’80s in New York, in the club scene. What do you think of my arms, just before we go any further? Muscles, you could do a bit more work. (laughs) This is a southern tree funnel web. Not just in trees. They live also under rocks. This thing can kill me?
Absolutely. Yes, within 20 minutes. These are under rocks? So what’s the–
Yeah, yeah. Just under rocks. Stop just gesturing around like they’re everywhere. Are they really everywhere? Yes.
Why are we here? Why did we come here? Why didn’t we just meet at the Four Seasons Hotel lobby? We could have had iced teas, and you could have shown me the same (bleep) book. So this thing is under rocks?
Yes. So what’s the number one tip. Don’t look under a rock.
Don’t pick up rocks? Yeah. I have a habit, I’ve had this for a long time, and it’s probably a bad habit of if I see a stone and I want to know what’s underneath, I use my genitalia to flip it. Is that something I shouldn’t be doing here? (laughs) Lucky you. Yeah, it is lucky me. Yes, it is. I don’t even have to move. Could get that rock over there from right here. It’s a long penis joke.
Yes, I got it. Okay, next one is this fellow here. Stinging ants, very dangerous. [Conan] Wait, so you’re saying this ant could kill me? Yes, absolutely. You could come down with full-blown anaphylactic shock. In fact, my wife stood on a nest. She turned white, her lips turned blue, she crapped her pants, and I had to take her to the hospital. Does your wife mind that you put in the part where she craps her pants?
She doesn’t know. Okay, well just leave that part out. (dramatic, upbeat music) What is that? That’s a trapped little spider hole. Sometimes you can get them to come out if you just play around with the web. That’s good. Taunting the deadly spider, trying to get it to come out of its hole. Is there any chance I’m gonna get to use this? I’m sure we can find something to do with that. Let’s see yours. (Kevin groans) Now let’s compare. (Conan laughs mischievously) That’s not a knife. This is a knife. Trust me. That got old in the states 20 years ago. Mm-hmm. (bell dings) Oh wow, this is a wombat berry. Now how many of these do I have to eat to sustain myself, to stay alive? Probably 500.
500? So you thought this vest was a waste of time? Look at that. This is a pocket I used to keep cocaine in. Now, wombat berries. What a turn of events, eh? [Kevin] This is a bunya nut. Wait, these fall out of trees? Yes.
That’s heavy. That’s why I’m looking up. You’ve got to be very careful under the trees, ’cause some of these can weigh up to 10 kilograms. So we could be killed at any moment. Yes.
So let’s get out of here. There’s a wind blowing. I don’t wanna killed by a bunya nut. Remember I was telling you about the tree funnel webs? Well, this one will kill you as well. [Conan] And you’re poking it why? I’m hoping to get it to come out so you can have a look at it. I’m good. You can show me on the internet. You must have a reputation with all the spiders. You’re like a Mormon at the door. Ding dong, ding dong, it’s Kevin with his stick. Maidenhair fern. You can make a cup of tea out of that one. A cup of tea.
A cup of tea. Well, great job, Kevin. We’ve been out here for four hours wandering around, and so far we’ve got three wombat berries and the makings of what looks to be a third of a cup of tea. This is what they give you in coach now on most airlines. Hold it. This branch is in my way. There’s another spider. (audience laughs) I think this is smilax leucophylla. Common name is sarsaparilla tea. You know what? It’s starting to add up. I now have three berries and the makings of two cups of different herbal teas, basically the diet of a 98-year-old woman. We’ve collected a little bit of food. Now it’s time to make a fire. Yeah, fire. Come on, baby! I wanna have some of that herbal tea! Come to mama. Oh. Oh, I see a little smoke! We can throw it into that little bird’s nest. Where do we get that little bird’s nest? Oh yeah. Let me explain to everyone. We shaved my crotch about an hour ago. We have fire.
This is amazing. Cavemen.
So primal. It’s a good feeling. That your first friction fire? That is my first, well. (Kevin laughs)
Yes it is. It’s the first friction fire. This is the bunya nut. These fall from the trees. How many nuts will fill you up? Well. It’s a loaded question. Whenever I hear the cameraman James laughing, I know someone said something that could be construed as dirty if you’re a four year old. I have an endless appetite for nuts. There you go.
Are you happy now, Kevin? (Kevin laughs) I just like to lean my head back and just drop those nuts in. As many as you can. And I’m never satisfied till I have hundreds of nuts in my mouth. Big, meaty nuts. You likin’ this?
Yeah. I bet you are. Doesn’t matter to me. Dip ’em in and dip ’em out. Mm, nuts. [Kevin] This one looks done, just before they turn black. Right here?
All that fleshy part. No comment? Maybe I’ll go out and forage. Hey, mate.
Hey. Look what I found! I found a Jack Daniel’s root.
Wow. Pulled it out of the ground. It’s all about resourcefulness out here. Yes, sir.
Don’t panic. Don’t panic, all right? You get lost, you don’t panic. Wander around, you’ll find little bottles of liquor. Nature provides.