(Ted): Right, are you ready Dougal? (Dougal): Ready when you are, Ted. (Ted): You’ll like this, Dougal. Okay, here I come! Who are you supposed to be, Ted? What are you doing? You two can’t go as Elvis! You… wait a second. You’re Elvis as well! Of course I’m Elvis! I’ve got ‘Elvis’ written on my back! I don’t believe this! Bit of a coincidence right there. Great minds think alike, I suppose. I’ve been saying for the last two weeks that I was going as Elvis! Ah, that’s probably where I got the idea! This is great. This really is the first All Priests Stars In Their Eyes Lookalike competition I thought I had a chance of winning. I’ve even cleared a space for the trophy, besides the one we got for coming third in the Ludo championships. You might Ted, you never know. And what if you’re on before me? I look an idiot, everyone will think I copied the idea off you. Well Ted, to be fair now… It is a bit weird you happened to think of it as well. Right! Right. I’ll just have to go as Mother Theresa, again! (Jack): Who are you supposed to be? Elvis. I’m Elvis. I’m Elvis. I know you’re Elvis, Father. We’re all Elvis, that’s the problem! Here, Fathers. Feck off! Oh, there’s nothing nicer than a cup of tea in the afternoon. You look a bit different, Father. Have you had a haircut, or something? No, I’m Elvis Presley. Ah, you Father. Now that’s a turn up for the books anyway. It’s for the All Priests Lookalike Show tomorrow. Oh, now I see. Well I must say, I’m looking forward to that. Is Father Kiernan coming? He won’t be, no. He’s a great laugh! I remember him last year telling all his stories, he had me in stitches. You know, it is true what they say about chubby men, isn’t it? They are jollier than the rest of us, they have a way of looking at things- He shot himself. I see, yeah. That’s terrible. See, I suppose that’s often the way with fat men, isn’t it? They laugh to hide the tears. But that’s life: happy one minute, and then I suppose you just go and shoot yourself, and that’s that. Anyway, tea! (phone rings) Hello? Ah Ted, how are you? Dick Byrne here. Ah, hello Dick. How are things on Rugged Island? Oh, not so bad. You all set for tomorrow? – The Competition?
– What have you got planned? Ah, I shouldn’t say. That’d be giving you an advantage. Mother Theresa! – No!
– I do think you might have a chance of winning this year. Oh, well… do you really, Dick? NO! Who’s that, Dick? Look Dougal, I’m asking you one more time. Don’t go as Elvis. What? Look, I’ve been looking forward to this for ages. I know all the moves and everything! – And remember who’s judging this year.
– Who, Ted? Henry Sellers. No! He’s coming here? Oh, wow! I told you this, Dougal. Father Dunne is bringing him over. I’ve never met a celebrity before! You met the Pope. Did I? Don’t you remember, when we were in Rome? That was the Pope? That fella living in the art gallery? The Vatican, Dougal. It’s the Vatican. All the same. I wouldn’t say he’s a celebrity like in the true sense of the word, you know. The Pope is God’s representative on Earth, Dougal. You’d think he’d be taller. What, like a giant? Here we go, Henry Sellers’s coming here! Heh, heh. Hah, hah! – Hahahah, Henry Sellers! Henry Sellers!
– Dougal! Dougal, calm down! We have to concentrate on the Elvis problem. Look, we’ll toss it. Whoever wins, can go as Elvis. Okay, alright. Right. Heads or tails? Heads or tails, Dougal? Heads. No, tails. Heads. Tails. Heads. Dougal, you have to give me a choice. Give me a choice between the two. Sorry about that, Ted, I just got a bit excited there. Here we go again. Heads or tails? Heads! – Are you sure?
– Absolutely positive- Tails! Heads! Tails! Heads! – Dougal!
– Heads! Dougal, calm down. Tails! Heads! Tails! Heads! Dougal! Dougal, are you alright? I am. I am. I’m fine Ted, I’m just not the best at making decisions. – Look-
– Or am I? Tell you what we’ll do: you toss the coin, I’ll take heads. Heads are this, go ahead, toss it there. Forget it! Forget it. FORGET IT! Yes! (music tune from television) Ted, Henry’s on. Ted? (Henry): Back to you Monica, for a five point question. The capital of England, is it New York, LONDON, heh heh, or Munich? I’ll give you a clue: you live there. (buzzer) (Henry): Ah, Jane! Do you know? I leaned on the button by mistake! He’s great isn’t he, Ted? Henry, and he’ll be here any second. Are you excited, Ted? Henry Sellers. Look at him there, asking the questions. A stitch in time saves how many? (buzzer) Sorry! London? Any idea why he left the BBC, Ted? Ah, look Ted, why don’t you be Elvis? Since you thought of it first, I suppose it’s only fair. I’ll go as Mother Theresa. I’m sorry, Dougal. I’m being very selfish, I’m sorry. You go as Elvis. No Ted, it’s not fair on you. You had your heart set on it. No, seriously, you go as Elvis. Really? Great, thanks Ted! Unless you prefer to go as Mother Theresa. Ah no, not really. Anyway, there’s only one Mother Theresa, and that’s you Ted! Thanks, Dougal. Oh well, at least I’ll have the honour of taking care of Mr Sellers. It’s important that we be extremely nice to him, that will improve our chances of winning a hundred percent. We’ll have to fill him up with food and drink till it’s coming out of his ears. And you’ll be nice to Mr Sellers, won’t you Father? Hah? Father, you alright? Oh, no. Not Toilet Duck again! You know what that does to you. You’ll be seeing the pink elephants again! How many fingers am I holding up to you? (ominous drum music) Three! Maybe not too bad. Probably getting immune to it by now. (doorbell) That’ll be him, Henry. Oh God! He’s here! Hello there! Henry Sellers. Father Ted Crilly, it’s a great honour to have you here Mr Sellers. Oh, and it’s lovely to be here too. Hello, Father…? Sorry, this is Father Dougal McGuire. Uhm, Dougal, say something to Mr Sellers. How old are you? Dougal! Don’t be asking Mr Sellers how old he is. Oh, that’s quite alright. I’m 37, Father. And this is Father Jack Hackett. Hello, Father. (ominous music) Hello, Father. AAARGHHH! Bye Father. He’s just gone for his walk. Now, is there anything we can get you, Mr Sellers? Er, call me Henry. (Jack keeps on screaming out of the window) Well, if you had something to eat, maybe a sandwich… Mrs Doyle, some sandwiches. Right, Father. Is there something wrong with your head? Dougal! What? No, it’s just his hair looks a bit- Dougal! I didn’t say anything, it’s just Henry’s hair looks a bit mad- Is… is Father Dunne with you? Oh yes, he’s just bringing in the- oh, there he is. Hah hah hah, Ted! Hah hah hah! Barty! Good to see you. Sit down there. (Dunne): Heh heh. Heh heh. It’s good to be on Craggy Island again. Hah haha hah hah. God, I haven’t seen you in ages, hah hah hah! You don’t know, but the last time I was here, hah hah hah! We had that funny incident, remember? Hah hah hah! I suppose… I suppose you’ve forgotten all about it, hoh hoh hoh hoh! Hah hah hah! ’twas the type of thing, you know… haha hah hah… What is this? The last time Father Dunne was with us, Father Jack lost his slippers. Hah hah hah hah! ’twas… ’twas a bit like… hah hah hah! He had us looking everywhere, Father, hah hah hah! Was a bit like, the type of thing you know… hah hah hah! We found them after a while. It was… a bit like… hah hah hah! OHOHOHOHOH! Oh Lord! How long was the car journey- Four hours! (Dunne): …but with the thing there… hah hah hah! I suppose it must be… hah hah hah! So, what’s it like being a television star? Ah, well- (Dunne): Oh, it must be… HAHAHAHAH! It must be… it must be… hah hah hah! Ohohohoh! I must say, Henry, we are just so delighted to have you here. Is there anything else we can get you? No, no. I’m fine. Some more sandwiches? No, I- Oh! You’ve brought some more in… no, no no, I’m fine. Absolutely fine, thank you. Everything okay with your hair? Dougal! Will you stop talking about Henry’s hair? Heh, heh… I’m sorry Henry, is just… your hair is so natural-looking, Dougal can’t stop talking about it! It really is a beautiful head of hair. Anyway, what I was saying was, anything you want at all, just ask us so we can get it for you. There’s no problem there, and I mean anything. Anything that you want, anything that you want that will be at all possible for us to get you, just ask for it. And I mean, anything. There’s no problem there at all. Anything. Well, actually, I have been having a bit of trouble getting the English papers, I wonder if it could be- Except the English papers. Anything you want, anything else, just ask. Except obviously the English papers. Well, you wouldn’t have the number of a Father Dick Byrne, at all? You’d be making a mistake if you went to visit them. Oh. Well, why is that, Father? They’re lepers. They’re what? They’re lepers. The three of them are lepers. Rugged Island is a leper colony. Leper colony? You’re not serious. Well, no. It’s not leprosy. But there’s something wrong there. Do you ever think how strange it was? Three priests living alone on an island like that? Uhm, well I suppose… Oh no, there’s something not quite right there. You’d be better off staying with us. – Oh, I-
– Ted, heh heh… could you tell me where the old… heh heh… You know, the old… heh heh… The old “heh heh” is up the stairs, and is first on the left. (Dunne): Hah hah, thank you very much, heh heh. It’s a wig! Time for a little nightcap. Oh, you’re running out of sandwiches, I’ll bring in some more. I, er… I won’t have a sherry, thank you. – Eh, don’t be silly now. Of course you will.
– No, no, no. Really, I shouldn’t. Oh, go on. It will help you sleep. No, no. It’s not a good idea. You go ahead. Just a little drop. Just a teeny, tiny bit. The day a little bit of sherry hurts anyone is the day Ireland doesn’t win the Eurovision Song Contest. Go on. No, no, really, I shouldn’t- Ah, go on, go on, go on. Go on. Go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on- No, seriously, I can’t- Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on… GO ON! Ow, what a shower of BASTARDS! Oh Lord, Ted, why did you give him a drink? I didn’t know this would happen! But that’s why they sacked him from that programme. He’s a terrible alcoholic! He’s been on the wagon now for a year. Oh, my God Ted. How was I supposed to know? Sack me? SACK ME? I MADE the BBC! I made it! Henry, maybe if you have a rest you’ll feel better- Get away from me! Priest! The thing is… I think it’s time we should head off to bed- Good there, there’s never anything on anyway, I’ll give it a kick myself! You wanna fight? Huh? Huh? I’d love a bit of a scrap, but… heh… Bloody priests! (Ted): Oh oh! Bloody sanctimonious scumbags! Oh, absolutely! Made my life a bloody misery! Sorry about that Henry, but are you sure you wouldn’t want to go to bed? Well, maybe you could stay up a bit longer, perhaps. I’M FED UP WITH YOU BASTARDS! I’m getting out of here, and don’t you try and stop me! AAAHHH! (Dougal): It’s true what they say though, isn’t it? You should never meet your heroes, you’ll only be disappointed. (Dougal): Imagine if we weren’t able to get him back. He’d be like Bigfoot, except he’d be a BBC television presenter. (Policeman): Did you see him? There, by the trees. (Ted): Got ‘im! There he is. Terribly sorry about all this, sergeant. Ah, no problem Father. I’ve been through it before. Rockstars, actors, television personalities. They go off the drink and the drugs, and they come over to places like this. The solitude can get to them. What happened to this fellow? He was fine one minute. And then he took a sip of sherry- Relapse. That’s when they’re at their most dangerous. Great, you’re ready? I want you to bang these together. Shout a bit, that’ll scare him out of the woods. So I get a clear shot. You’re going to shoot him? Tranquilliser dart, Father. It’ll just put him to sleep for a bit. Still, it seems a bit extreme… It’s the best way, Father. Believe me. You know best. (Policeman): God, this reminds me of Vietnam. Were you in Vietnam, sergeant? Oh, no no. I mean, you know, the films. Right, let’s go! (# Ride of the Valkyries #) (Ted): Come on, Henry! Out you come! There! Got ‘im! (gunshot) It’s Jack! I’ve got a clear shot of him, Father. Do you want me to get him? No. Let him go. He’ll make his own way back. Look at him go! (# Four Seasons #) Beautiful! Oh, my God! My head! There you are, Henry. A nice cup of tea. What? Oh, oh my God. Where am I? What happened last night? I remember having a sip of sherry… Nothing to worry about. I hope I didn’t do anything to embarrass you, Father. (nervous laughter) Dougal! You were fine, Henry. (phone rings) I expect it to be Father Dick Byrne. You know, I kinda feel sorry for him, though. Marooned on that island with those idiots. And they’ve absolutely nothing in common! …absolutely nothing in common! Hello? – Hello, Dick.
– Ted! We were just talking about you! – Really?
– Yeah, we were just saying how great you are. Really? NO! Hilarious, Dick. I was just calling to make sure you’re gonna turn up tonight. Why wouldn’t I turn up tonight? Ah, well, you know… it might be a little embarrassing to come last again. We won’t be coming last, Dick. It’s you who’ll be coming last. In fact, I thought we might have a little bet on tonight. Put your money where your mouth is, Ted. What are we talking about here? A pound? Two pounds? Five pounds! Five pounds? What’s the matter, Dick? You scared? Of course I’m not scared. Five pounds it is! See you tonight. Well, I’d better go and get meself cleaned up for tonight. You know, brush me teeth… Strange… I’ve a very strange taste of… raw meat in my mouth, I don’t know why that is. Right you are, Henry. Five pounds, I must be insane. We haven’t a hope in hell. Why can’t we all go as Elvis? Because we all look the same, Dougal. Anyway, Jack will be in at any moment looking for his afternoon drink. (shattered glass) DRIIIINK! There he goes. Bang on time. (Dougal): Oh Ted, he looks very rough. We’ll have to get him sobered up if he’s gonna do this contest. No Dougal, wait. Leave him. I have an idea. (off key guitar strumming) # Ziggy played guitaaar! # (cheering and clapping) Fantastic! Father Harry Coyle there. Hah hah hah, you know, he looks a bit like… hah hah! He won’t mind me telling you this now… hah hah! Hah hah- no, no no. Anyway, Henry, marks for Father Coyle. Very good. I’ll give him seven out of ten! Bastard. Oh oh, not bad at all! # Ziggy played guitar # hah hah! You know what that means? That the lads from Rugged Island are still in the lead, with nine out of ten. So a big hand for Diana Ross and two of the Surpremes! (applause) Don’t start celebrating yet. Remember, we’ve still got one more act to go, hah hah! So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on to the stage… hah hah! …the lads… hah hah hah hah! Father Ted Crilly, with Father McGuire and Father Hackett! (Ted, through the loudspeaker): Elvis Presley was a simple truck driver from America. (Ted): But one day, in the 1950’s, he invented rock n’roll! (garbled American accent) Thank you very much. (Ted): Elvis became famous, then they forced him into the army. Then he came out. (Ted): And ten years later he came back with a comeback special! # rock n’roll music # (Ted): Elvis was back! From then until the end of his life he played in Las Vegas, (Ted): and became once again the King of rock n’roll! # choir music # (Ted): Ladies and gentlemen, that was “The three ages of Elvis”! Thank you! (cheering and applause) Fantastic! Lord God almighty! Three Elvises! Hah hah hah! (Dunne): Well Henry, over to you for your final marks. (drumroll) (cheering and applause) Brilliant Ted! It was fantastic! Heheheh! Thanks very much, Barty. Five pounds, Ted. Hah, hard luck Dick. Did we not win? No, you didn’t win, Cyril. This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island. Never mind, I think you have a chance to win next year. Really, Ted? NO! Come on Cyril, let’s go home. I’m out of fecking whiskey! Plenty of whiskey at home, Father. That Cyril McDuff’s an awful idiot, isn’t he Ted? Here we are now. Oh, well, since I didn’t make a fool of meself the last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers! Henry, no- Don’t worry Father. If I can’t celebrate tonight, sure when can I- The bastards, what the hell is going on how dare they do this to me? HOW DARE THEY SACK ME? I’M HENRY SELLERS! I’M HENRY SELLEEERS! Well, there he goes again. Oh, right there Ted. Nevermind, we’ll look for him in the morning. Anyway, well done again Dougal. What do you think of the trophy? That’s great. It’s all because of you, Ted. Put it there, Dougal.