Nobody’s ever fucked up my entrance like that. Thanks Baldy. That was fucking cool. Wouldn’t you be surprised if I was small and bald like, “What’s up, what’s up?” Like a boss, that was beautiful. No, chill out man, fucking cool, you got an applause, so it’s ok. Now do something funny, come on – I’ve got two jokes.
– You’ve got two jokes? That’s not so many. Listen, we have a hot season now in media,
recently there was a roast of Wojewodzki,
now they started to roast Walesa… But I’m not surprised that they want to destroy him.
If he takes 500zl per kid, they will lose money. That will be a quick deal. Tell me, did any of you come here from a small village?
A small town? Something really small? This like, you know, micro. Oh, is there somebody, there?
Do I hear a woman there? Jesus! Ok, I take it back.
A high person from a small town. “Heeay, it’s fucking awesome in here. I got off from the bus, a dude comes up to me,
“Do you wanna buy something?”, I took it, wooooow! Buildings are walking around here, cool…” So where are you from? Hey, slick, I didn’t ask you. From where? No, if she talks like that all the time,
we’ll be stuck here for three hours. – Lysobyki! Oops, sorry, there’s a bit over here, where are you from? Lysobyki? And they are so happy, are also from Lysobyki too, “We did it! They said it!” So you three live there, and now you’ve left all three of you? And on the sign with the town name now says “closed”. Nice.
How many people live in Lysobyki? – Three.
– Three. Yeah, I know, but seriously. – Very few.
– Very few, but how many, 15? 70? 120? 40 people? So you’re sisters? Neighbors? You all know each other. For real, you know each other probably since you were babies? Twin sisters? Completely not alike, but fraternal?
There are different eggs, but ok. Lysobyki, twin sisters, What is even the probability that there are twins in Lysobyki, what the fuck! 40 people and fuck – 2 of the same. So there are exactly 40 people, so there’s always this,
that if someone dies you need to kidnap a child so there are exactly 40 people.
The curse of Lysobyki. And if a baby is born, they go to the oldest citizen and are like,
“Well my friend…” 40 people in Lysobyki, end of discussion. Do you have any sport club there? FC Lysobyki? Lysobyki United, or something like that? There’s nothing? Zero? That’s too bad. I was in the town of Wagrowiec, not a big place,
and randomly my buddy is a fan of the Baltic Gdynia club him and maybe 6 other people,
and I said, I’ll go with you, totally. So we went and there was the game with Baltic Gdynia and ….Wagrowiec,
It doesn’t matter, it’s about the stadium, at the stadium, there was an audience on just one side And on the other side was a forest. I don’t know how they did the chant,
‘Second side! Answer back!’ It always cracked me up. That’s why I’m asking, if you also maybe have this stadium,
a couple of trees and some beavers. And is it actually far from here? – It’s far. – Oh, far, it took us like 4 days. We have 2 weeks of vacation for this show, so… But how far? I mean… How many kilometers? – Past what?
– 40 km. Past Tluszcz? That clarified it so much for me now. I understand that it’s quite an important place this ‘Tluszcz’ (Fat). Or There’s this giant pile of fat somewhere near Warsaw,
and it has this meaning, “You go 3 days to the Oak, then you turn left, and there is this pile of fat, and there you walk.” And that’s how the girls got here. And so what, 40 people told you, go to Warsaw,
it’s your birthday today. Twins. And this third one is not a twin,
I understand you’re their mother? Ok, nevermind, – Or, well, what’s your name?
– Ania. Ania, listen, and then also respect for this lady. What’s your name? – Malgorzata She’s the best. If it was short – Ula, ok, you say it fast. But ‘Malgorzata’, 15 minutes just passed. But no, respect, respect, because I’m sure that
there is quite a few more of you from small towns, right? Anybody else from a small town? Exactly. Actually, I have the feeling that you’re all from small towns. “Warsaw!” I only ask because I’ve noticed that there’s a problem
to admit that you’re from a small town. I don’t know if people have a complex or what, it’s a bullshit. You could be an asshole from Lysobyki, or Lysobykow, right?
Lysobykow or Lysobyk? Well, it doesn’t matter, nobody ever said it anyway. For you it’s home, for others it doesn’t exist. I’m the first person in the world that said Lysobyki besides you. – Where do we live?
– I don’t know, Let’s give it a name, quick, uh, Lysobyki! – Oh, Lysobyki! It’s actually a glade but fuck it, nevermind. But there is something like that, that people have this complex. It’s bullshit.
For example I live in Pruszcz Gdanski. Pruszcz Gdanski it’s not a big town, maybe not as small as yours,
but also not too big, That if there’s car passing through Pruszcz,
we all need to move so it fits. If it doesn’t work, we all go ‘woah!’, and we fall outside of the town,
and that’s our vacation. Generally, it’s a small town, and if you ask someone from Pruszcz Gdanski,
in the south side of Poland, “Where are you from?” “I’m from Gdansk” Not fucking Gdansk! You are from Pruszcz! You don’t need to be so proud, that’s another extreme,
but don’t have a complex, just say it normally and that’s it. The other side, this pride for your town, it’s also absurd, I read on Wikipedia, somebody wrote it there,
from Pruszcz Gdanski for sure, it’s not just one person at Wikipedia, “Oh, today something about the coral…” It’s obvious, there are different people writing it, and someone from Pruszcz, wrote about Pruszcz Gdanski That in the year 1812, Napoleon walked through Pruszkow. What kind of information it even is?
What a load of crap. Why even write about that? I understand that if he would be walking, walking, walking, – So what’s that?
– That’s Pruszcz Gdanski. – Fucking awesome! They have Zabka,
we’re moving the capital of France here! That would be real information,
that in 1812 Napoleon moved the capital of France from Paris to Pruszcz. That would be information. But he was just walking, walking, “oh fuck”, and he sped up. Why write about that?
What kind of information is that? The citizens of Pruszcz are still surprised when they meet me,
that I live in Pruszcz. – You life in Pruszcz? – No goddamit, in a limousine! I was just passing by so there will be
something to be remembered in 200 years. I go to the post office,
– Oh, our Pruszcz celebrity! Yes, that’s the title I worked my ass off my whole life for, ‘Pruszcz celebrity’! “The empress of Lysobyki”, that’s the fucking same. You know who is the star in Pruszcz?
Besides me? Igor Tracz. Exactly. But there’s actually nothing to laugh about,
because it’s a world champion in dog sledding. Champion of the world– Listen, you can’t laugh about that,
because nobody in the world fucking rides on dogs like Igor Tracz! He’s the best, do you get that? There is 7 billion people in earth, he is the best. Old Eskimos can’t lace his boots. Old Eskimos have snow 365 days per year,
Igor had 4 days of muddy snow in Pruszcz and he’s the fucking best! And nobody knows him. It’s a bit sad on one hand, On the other hand, I’m not surprised.
Until recently I had no idea that there’s even such a sport as dog sledding. I thought it’s just a form of transportation.
It’s like being the world champion in tram driving or something. Besides, is Igor the world champion or those dogs that pull him? It’s them who run up those snowdrifts. Igor is just standing in the back on the sled yelling ‘faster! faster!’ The dogs are running, – Hey, you, Fido, who is that guy? – I don’t know, but he yells one more time and I’ll fucking punch! And he’s just standing in the back and,”’Faster! Faster!” It’s the nearest standing fan. World champion. But he is the world champion, it’s written down,
in such and such year he became the champion. Listen, it has to be an incredible feeling.
You are the best in the world. I’ll never be the world champion in what I’m doing.
It’s sad, it clips your wings. I’ll make one laugh, the other I won’t.
That’s normal, right? There are people in this country who every Sunday at 2pm turn on the TV, – They’re tearing the turnip! Wait for Karol. He’s gonna’ come in,
he’s going to hit nail that anecdote… He’s the best! The best! You Karol, you! And fucking great! If it makes people happy, makes them laugh, that’s cool. Really, when I hear sometimes that stand-uppers, sketch comedians, youtubers,
get into a shouting match, who’s funnier, who’s better, it’s such bullshit, really. I think that if you are able to make at least one person laugh,
you’re already kickass. That’s how I explain it for myself. But when I see Kabaret Pod Wyrwigroszem on TV,
I just fucking flip out. Unfortunate, really. I know I have a remote, I can switch it off,
but it should be forbidden by the law. Asbestos used to be legal too, right? And it pisses me off the most when I hear,
“My favorites are Abelard and Kabaret Pod Wyrwigroszem” Fuck off!!!! What kind of person is that? What a bipolar personality! “I’m up for a romantic night, I have the candles and the bucket of shit…” And in this comparison I’m the candles, just so you know. So you have a dress shirt on in here, oh, that’s kickass, very cool. And it’s special for the show or you’re straight from work? Honestly. Girlfriend asked, beautiful. For the show. Oh dude, respect man, I’m very happy, there’s the respect. Uh, ok. But here’s another dress shirt I see,
very well, for the show or from work? For the show. Well great, that’s Warsaw! Oh, you even have this scarf here, something here, or, no?
Everything’s ok, it’s not that cold. Fucking awesome, cool, very elegant. Here, oh, a sportcoat? No? But from here looks like a sportcoat,
so kudos to you too, cool. And you, what do you have here, a t-shirt? Or a hoodie? You didn’t have anything else at home? No, fuck the performers, why would I care. “Abelard is coming so I’ll put on some trash and here I am.” But you grew a beard, wow, fucking great. Every hobo tells me that when they see me. “Hey boss, I grew this beard just for you.” Hey Dude, but wait, I understand, you might have no time, no money, but couldn’t you sit somewhere in the back? It’s always like that. – They changed my seat.
– Who changed it? This one lady. This one lady… “This lady. It’s not me, it’s Jack.” Dude, you couldn’t… You are with him miss? You couldn’t tell him, you with this great scarf, this scarf, you couldn’t make sure that he… You spent everything on that scarf? What’s your name? Filip. It’s always like that, they fucking sit in the first row and… No respect for the performer. He’s in a dress shirt in the second row, and you sit, “What can he do to me,
I found the tickets in the dumpster and here I am. George, I‘m not going to the scrapyard today,
I have tickets for stand-up.” Ok, listen, what’s you name again, I’m sorry?
Filip. I just wanted to push it out of my head right away. As the stand-up can make you laugh but can also teach you something,
I’ll ask you to boo Filip, and Filip will learn so well,
that he’ll take out the trash in a suit from now on, ok? Are you ready? Are you ready? we go on my count, on 3-4 BOOO! And this is how Hitler manipulated the people. You can’t do that, people. You can’t react like that. I’m some guy in a hoodie asking you to boo a guy in a hoodie. And you, completely no reflection, “OOOOO!” Half of you have holes in your socks. ‘Get him!’ Girls from Lysobyki, ‘Ahaha! It’s just like back home!’ Even you didn’t protest, Jesus.
What is this, your wife? Girlfriend? Fiancé, ok, so end of story, she didn’t even defend you. Listen, none of you protested, not even in the back,
no one person went, “Let him go, I also have a hoodie!” No, it was just everybody, “get him!” Forgive me Filip, I had to…
But it’s amazing… You owe him something, tonight. I fixed that for you man, so… Really, listen, you can’t do that. In today’s time, anybody with the microphone or on TV, You can’t listen to him, you need to be assertive. Maybe that’s how Hitler got into power. In some small basement in the 20’s, he started, last century, He came in, “Hi hello…”
And he fucking picked on one dude for his look, “Oh here I see this guy has sidelocks so,
listen up, we boo the guy with sidelocks!” Everyone, “Ooooo!” – Well, and now we boo all the Jews! – Oooo! – And now we boo and kill all the Jews! Nobody interrupted him. And if back then, at least one small person
from the back there yelled “Show your ass!” It would fuck him up. He’d be like, “But, ein moment,
but I’m telling you we are the Master Race.” – Show your ass! Show your… He’d come home, – You know what Eva, that number with the Jews, actually, nope. One person! If someone yelled one time ‘Show your ass’
there would be no second World War. Really, I have the feeling that this slogan ‘Show your ass’
could blow every aggression around the world, really. Guy goes into a bank,
“gimme the money bitch, gimme the money!” And the whole bank, “Show your ass! Show your ass!” – Ok, nothing happened here, good bye. So really, if you are ever in this situation
that some dresiarz is beating up somebody on the bus stop, react! Filip, show your buddies. “Look guys, this is what I learned at the show!” He runs up to the dresiarz, “Show your–” Unless the dresiarz is totally chill. He’d let you finish, “Show your ass” and like, “Yeah, totally!” Dresiarze are very strange,
they don’t have cliche behaviors, so… Awkward situation! It’s you standing, and the dresiarz with his pants down,
the bus comes up, – He tried to rob me with his ass! And the phone… Nevermind. The fact that you’re even here, that the tickets sold out so fast,
it’s very nice it’s fucking great. And up to a point, I deduce that maybe most of you like me. And if somewhere nearby Wodecki would be playing,
then you’d rather come watch me. Although I know that now many of you are like, “Oh, Wodecki” Girls from Lysobyki, “Ahah! Wodecki!” And that’s very nice, this awareness. And there is, for sure, the statistics prove it,
somewhere among you there’s 2 or 3 people that love me.
Are uncritical, sitting all the time like this, “He’s really kickass, just like Karol!” Totally.
And that’s nice. I think if you’d block the door to get in here,
they’d use Wodecki as a battering ram. For sure there’s a couple of people who are sitting here now like, “Um, ok, we drove all the way from Legionowo here… well, too bad. I’m here just because Aska
wanted to… I organized the tickets… well, at least I’ll get laid tonight, so…” And everybody has a right to make his own deal in here,
I’m ok with that, totally chill and good luck with that. I was wondering if there are people in here that just honestly hate me. Because on the internet they’re there. And perhaps somebody got lost, wandered about.
You can’t indeed sit in front of the computer your whole life. I was wondering how those people even function in real life. – Excuse me, what time is it?
– I don’t have a watch. – You son of a bitch you!
Get the fuck out of Poland! Of course that’s just a very cliche picture of a hater, right? There’s no such thing really. There’s nothing like when I hear about a fight with the haters, the haters, I’m thinking, Jesus, there’s nobody to fight with. Stop panicking, there is no haters it’s just us. Sometimes we’re just tired, sometimes–
But listen, we’re busting our balls all the time, lame-ass job, We have a loan in the bank, the dog that is puking, a Mother that’s complaining, lame wife, pitiful husband, millions of factors, all the time you’re running, hurrying, doing things, And suddenly you catch 2 minutes, during the whole day, You take your phone,
– Eh, I have reception so I’ll rate Gorniakowa. Or Sting. And then Sting, is walking around the house all day. His wife comes in,
– What happened? – Ehh..
– Come on, tell me what happened. – Janusz from Lomza, wrote that my new album sucks balls,
and that I shouldn’t go to Lomza. – What? – It’s already the third town in the Podlaskie region. – Stingie… I don’t know how they talk at home, – Stingie, Stingie-poo, maybe he was lying? – What lying? What would be the reason for this Janusz from Lomza to lie to me? And Janusz from Lomza has no interest whatsoever to lie. He writes honestly, honestly what he thinks. – Shit! Crap! Lame! He is thinking simple, but honestly! Besides, really, there were always haters. – On the cross with him! – Burn you bitch! Man, I’m cool with that, If someone has a bad day and takes his phone to write, “Giza, you twat!” And a smiley. Really, all the bad emotion flows down from that guy to the internet, Where it won’t really matter anymore, there’s already so much evil there,
and such hardcore stuff, that it won’t change anything. And here, with us, remains a happy, smiling person. I’d like it if all of the evil in the world would flow to the internet. That Palestinians hate Israelis in Onet. That Israelis make malicious memes about the Palestinians. That South Korea unfriends North Korea. Let it boil up! When I’m done with that,
I’ll turn off the computer and that’s it. Besides, I don’t need to enter the pages with the hate.
And it’s not like there’s hate everywhere. You don’t go to the bank’s website, – Enter login you stupid cunt! – You want to transfer 300 to this whore? That would be a bank! Marek Konrad wouldn’t know how to advertise that. – Come to the dicks!
I don’t know, I have no idea. But on the other hand, I’m sure that, That we could put our pride in our pockets,
and everyone would keep their savings there as long as they had a good interest rate. For sure, you know,
they could have those atm machines around the city. You’d walk up and he’d talk to you
and he’d offend you in front of the other people, – And you’re nobody, you came again you whore you, and again for money,
and for money again, fuck your mother… You’re so lame! And you’d just stand there like, – So what? Bark you piece of shit, bark you shit! They could eliminate that whole keyboard for your pin,
and replace it with this giant fake penis, And we’d have to suck it to put the money in and we’d do it.
For good interest rates. And I’d see this old lady at the ATM, in the Old Town, – Excuse me, but this ATM is closed. – I know. Good interest rates, really, nothing more. Ok, since we talk about hate, then the obvious – Jews. There is something in this word,
when you hear ‘Jews’ or ‘Jew’ you’re like …. – Maybe just talk about Lysobyki, you know… Really, when I say a sentence,
“Jews ran out of the building.” There’s something happening, there’s …
Some dark story. If I say, “Italians ran out of the building.” – Ooh, they probably ran to get pizza. Once we went to Lodz for a show,
and the organizer invited us to a Jewish restaurant after the show for supper. We’re sitting there and suddenly he does this, – And you know that the owner,
he’s actually, really… – He’s who? – Well, he’s really actually… – But he’s who?
– Well he’s really actually, j…ish. Listen, we’re in a Jewish restaurant,
how else would we order? – I’d like the herring in …. – In what?
– Um… – In what?
– In your style. I don’t know, maybe even Jews have a problem with this word. – I must say I’m proud to be a… Jeez, I’m thinking is there some impulse in our heads
that holds us back from saying this word, that maybe it would be worthwhile to do something
with it, to give it some pleasant connotation? And then I thought, hey, maybe we make stuffed, plush Jews? Those small plush Jews you know, for sleeping, hugging. You press here,
“I love you” “Hug me” “Do you want to borrow some money?” Small plush Jews in Smyk, you come into the store,
they’re lying on the shelves, a bunch of plush Jews. You can buy one with black or with red sidelocks, Buy one get a velcro foreskin free. I don’t know if that would even help,
I have no idea. Because I don’t get the hate for Jews. It’s just so absurd and so stupid that…
I don’t get it. But the same way, that they say about themselves ‘Chosen People’. I think that both of the sides took it too seriously
the lack of some skin on the dick. You have no foreskin, so you just maybe piss crooked, There’s no need to add any ideology for that. When I was writing this monologue on the computer, I made a few mistakes and wrote ‘Jew’ with a small letter
and it corrected it to capital. And I said great, cool, the autocorrect works, cool.
But… I’m chill about that. But what if some anti Semite is writing a flier or something, – And that’s why we need to eliminate all of the J…
Son of a bitch… Now I know who created Word. I have couple of those theories. For example Germans didn’t really surrender after WWII. They just withdrew, created Lidl… Look, there’s Lidl everywhere now. In each small town there’s a Lidl, There must be one in Lysobyki too. There’s no, ok ok, you’re still defending. These 40 people, – No! We have a Biedronka in the glade! What a dry joke, fuck. What the fuck? I’m running Familiada next year. That’s in the works. No, but really, there’s Lidl everywhere. And don’t you think that under each Lidl
there’s a hangar with a tank standing there? When they get the info from Berlin, “We are coming.” Some guy’s walking though Lidl, there’s tomatoes,
tomatoes are spreading apart, the tank is appearing, – Wow, what did they fertilize it with? Fucking Great!
You need to be cautious… I’ll tell you something. I’m not really proud of this,
but I’ll tell you just so it’s not like I didn’t tell you. Some time ago I ran over a cat. The mother of that cat is here with us… – So that’s why Jarek never came back… Fuck, I don’t know why the cat and ‘Jarek’… But, that’s automatically … Cat – the name Jarek, that’s it. They’ll get me, just like Walesa, any day now. First of all, not to make any excuses, but I’m not this shithead that’s driving around Poland like, – Haha! A cat! – Are you going to the show?
– No, I’m gonna’ kill cats! Well, no, you know, I just drove the car
and he just ran out on the street, you know, just like a cat. He won’t look to the left, to the right, then to the left again, no. Because he’s in a hurry! Where can a cat be in a hurry to? – Oh, still need to get the stamps. Beside that, he died because of his own stupidity
and because of gambling. Yes! Just like all of those animals in the forest. Listen, it’s like… Jesus, You drive a car, through the forest road.
Completely nothing happening, It’s empty in front of you, it’s empty behind you.
Nothing is happening at all. And suddenly, half a meter in front of you – a deer. Dude, if you would of wait 2 seconds,
then you could cross like that. He could lie down on the pavement and do this. But no, he had to go right now! Why? Because he made a bet that he’d manage. And somewhere in the bushes there’s a hedgehog with binoculars, – Ok, here comes another one. Deer, are you ready? – Wait, wait, just the helmet, fuckin.. zip it on, zip it on! And the biggest badass in the forest is,
listen to this, oh Jesus, it’s the boar. The boar is such a badass,
he even has a hoof for a cigar in here. He’s a mega-badass. He made contact with a car in the past,
so now he has this Audi logo on the side, Some of the dumb animals think that he took part in the Olympics And really, when he jumps in front of the car, he’s such a badass. He flies like… He’s a mega-badass. And the stupidest are the hares.
You need to know that. The hare is such an idiot, he doesn’t even cut across the road, He fucking runs along the lights. Usually he’s there with his buddy,
– Come on Jurek! Come on! You drive behind them honking, nothing. You turn off the lights – they split away. Lights on – surprise! And behind them Igor Tracz,
– Faster, faster! I was wondering if that cat heard from his mother the same
that I once heard when I was living with mine, before going out, – Just remember, don’t let anything bad happen to you. What kind of a sentence is that even? It’s throwing all of the responsibility on me! If something happens to me it would be because I forgot! Some dude could drive onto the curb, run me over, – But officer, what could I do, this guy apparently forgot
that nothing should happen to him. Well, you know, when I hit him, I immediately thought,
‘That’s it, this will for sure be in my dreams tonight.’ – Ha ha ha!
Hator, hator hator! You killed me. That was my fucking 9th life. I will haunt you now, now every night I will…
oh, someone’s coming, I’ve got to go now. Well, I didn’t have him in my dreams,
and he didn’t call me or anything I thought that this means I’m a bad person.
I didn’t dream about the cat that I killed. It’s just… you know, I don’t think I have any guilt trip or something, I thought ok, well, I don’t like cats, I don’t like them. But that’s not a reason to kill them, so I said ok, maybe it’s a matter of some subconsciousness. Maybe if that was an animal that I like, that’s positive,
That maybe I would subconsciously have saved it. If there was maybe a seal jumping out, I’m driving through Pruszcz,
and suddenly from behind a bus stop there’s a seal I hit the brakes, the car flies off the road. I see two cats walking by, I didn’t have to but I didn’t want to lose a chance Maybe that was the size of this cat, he wasn’t big. The smaller the animal the easier it is to kill it. Look, what is it to spill the rat poison? No problem. Kill the spider, no problem You see a moth, a fly, a mosquito You don’t even name it often, It’s just “I’m killing this piece of shit that flies!!” We don’t even bother to name it, no respect at all. We just kill that shit and that’s it. It’s easier to get rid of small animals. With the bigger ones, we’d rather outsource it to others – 30 dk of beef please. That’s not me, that’s Mr.Tesco, right? But I also didn’t think about all of that too long, Because I think, I have this theory
that each of us has a fucker inside. Each and every one in here has this little fucker inside, and this fucker wakes up every now and then
and you need to quickly feed him a little bit. He’s hungry, and you quickly fill him up with something shitty like
you drive up in front of someone and then the fucker does this: and then after some time he wakes up again and then you,
I don’t know, don’t hold the elevator for somebody, you go up, and every once in awhile you need to fill him up with something,
he goes to sleep and everything is fine. If you don’t feed him, he starts to get pissed, to thrash around inside, and he could even break free from you. And then I have the feeling, then you do something
really evil, just like Bill Cosby for example. Great comedian, a positive dude, he did stand-up where he didn’t even swear. Then it turns out he was raping women. Fuck, it’s better to swear, really. And now I look at the world like this, when I see someone hitting somebody, or stealing a wallet, I think, ‘Good, he fights with evil.’ I look in this way to Kabaret Pod Wyrwigroszem. There was also a moment, a split second when I hit that cat and thought – Jesus, was it a kid? Dressed up as a cat you know, running to the dress up ball, to preschool. And then – no it couldn’t be a kid,
someone would report that, that a kid is missing and some time passed, and nobody reported that,
so that probably wasn’t a kid. If my kid would disappear, I’d report that for sure. It’s 2 years old, a little girl.
If something happened I would report that. Maybe not immediately, but I’d report that. Because first I would get some sleep. I’d sleep well and then immediately report that,
because it’s my daughter, she’s awesome, I love her very much. So I’d sleep, quickly, I’d quickly eat something warm before leaving, and immediately report it. I love her nevertheless. And I’d shit before leaving, like normally, And not fucking,
“Here come the bears, la la lalala ” Yup, whoever has a kid knows that. And such a small one,
It’s like working a factory line, Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here. Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here. Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here. What? That’s a shoe. A shoe. Shoe. Shoe. Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here. Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here. Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here. That’s also a shoe. Shoe. Shoe. Shoe shoe shoe fucking shoe! Leave it, stop it, don’t go, come here! And all day long! I used to be lazy.
now I’ll do anything to not be at home. Really, I’m able to kill a cat, to clean longer, to not come back home. Really, I’m not surprised that Odysseus didn’t come home for 10 years. Anytime he was almost home, he’d hear, – Let me check out some more stuff…. I’m not surprised that he went to war. I’m just not surprised that guys go to war in general. If your choice is to raise a child or rape a village, even if you don’t have a kid,
it’s fucking awesome to rape a village. And sometimes even in the name of democracy. Kick ass! And some time ago, she acquired this skill, that every time she gets into the tablet,
the phone, or something like that, she does, ‘Oh…’ 3 moves and suddenly I have this function I had no idea about. I’ve got micro fonts and automatic deletion of incoming mail. And you can’t turn it off, no way, can’t reverse that. She does 3 moves, saves it with spit, game over! A guy from Samsung comes, – I have no idea. Well, I don’t know, I don’t know. But I’ll come with a kid tomorrow. Since I’m a dad, I’m not an extreme opponent of child trafficking. Some time ago I was in this little amusement park. I was walking around, looking at it, just an
amusement park, it’s cool, there’s nothing going on, 4 women are walking by, just some women, 4 of them walking. Nothing happened until they came up closer and I heard that they were talking Russian. I heard Russian and immediately was like,
– Oh, you stupid cunts! Jesus, I don’t even know these women. Ok, I hate that jerk on top over there,
But that’s not really any reason to… I don’t know them, they didn’t do anything to me. Sometimes I’m like, there’s an IKEA in Trojmiasto
and they come by car with the Russian plates. And the whole family comes, Mother, father, child– I mean Mother, father…
The Russian family and the kid. I don’t know those people They are completely normal, innocent, regular people. They come, buy some furniture in boxes, and I’m standing, saying, -You son of a… they’re buying everything! Now we don’t have a place to keep stuff! Then they’ll make a tank out of that, those from Lidl, those from IKEA!
We’re fucked! Sometimes I’m even scared of myself, I’m like,
– Chill out dude.
– What chill out? Fuck off! Really. And I heard Russian and I said, – You stupid cunts! And I have to acknowledge that I totally don’t get Russian, I don’t know that language, so when I stood there a bit longer, After a minute, I realised from the context, that they’re Ukrainians. – Aha, hehe, Sorry, because that’s them on you, and not you… eghmm.. I feel awkward now, but keep it up, I’m with you I’m with you, don’t give up… Wait, so there’s a war and you are on a family trip? You stupid cunts! But at least I knew now what I’m hating for, right? There’s a lot of those conflicts now, There was, and still is, in Ukraine, Syria, etc.
And all the time, they’re fighting somewhere. And I’m like, Jesus, if an army entered in here, if someone attacked us, What would I do? I’d probably fucking run away right then and there.
Really. I would hear, “Attention, there are troops entering Poland in…” To the car, That’s it. I’d just tell my daughter,
– Remember, it’s a shoe. Shoe. Shoe. Yes, when I’m alone in the car, it’s lighter, it drives faster. Beside she’s just 2 years old so I barely know her, actually. What can we talk about? “Shoe shoe?”
“Shoe Shoe.”, give me a break. Really, I’d run you know. When I read about those people
during World War II, who were fighting. They were in their 30’s, 20’s, sometimes teens And they were fighting. There was- Rittmeister Pilecki.
Mega badass, he got into Auschwitz basically as a volunteer so he can show to the world how fucked up is it there. It’s such bravery, it’s such.. It’s incredible. During interrogation, sometimes they’d break hands,
they were pulling out nails. They wouldn’t have to pull my nails. It’d be enough, that guy would say,
– So we’ll file off your cuticles… – Noooo! This one lives here, this one lives there…
Just don’t tell them I told you. My buddies would know about it. They would know about it. And for sure I wouldn’t get any weapons in the army. The only thing I could do is brew coffee Somewhere in the canteen Just lame if the front line, All of my buddies with guns, And me with coffee maker, – Ooh, and only that far, because the extension cord… All right, now you’ll see. Look out,
Es– Cappuccino, Yeah, yeah, yeah… Sugar, ok… Try to wash that off you fucker! This I could do. That’s the maximum. Though when I see modern dudes, The masculinity, Then I think there would be those coffee house squadrons. the front line would be those 2 lines of people, Vis a vis, With the coffee thermoses, With the little cups, – Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! The biggest macho men, Coffee beans. And the biggest pussies, with the coffee substitute, – Oh! Oh! Oh! Modern man, face mask. But the hair – lumberman style. Beard – lumberman style. He’d see the axe,
– Aaaa! Even the gays call them faggots. But you know what?
It doesn’t matter if we were to fight with coffee or real weapons when I read that the Russians have Iskander rockets, and we don’t have any response for that. This rocket flies from Kaliningrad Oblast to Gdansk in 1 and half minutes. 90 seconds. If they say, “Ah fuck it.” That’s all I’m able to do. I won’t even make it to the car. And let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to die in this position, it’s a horrible thing. I thought, shit, if I had 90 seconds
and awareness that there’s nothing to save me, 90 seconds of life, I’d really want to
live this end pleasantly, in a nice way. I thought once about jumping from a high building– – What?
– Run over the cat. No, I did that already, and I can tell you, it’s a pretty lame feeling. Especially for his mother. But no, like you know, to jump from a building
and you fly, and obviously it’s the last.. Nothing’s gonna’ change, you can die. But with my stamina, If I wanted to run up
in 90 seconds, run up the sky scraper I would make it to the stair landing… And that’s how I would die.
On some landing, like a homeless person. So, no. And really, I wouldn’t have any time to organize some drugs. And I thought that the only thing
that I can do in 90 seconds with pleasure is orgasm. To have an orgasm. 90 seconds is a lot of time,
really I’m cool with that, totally. My wife laughs at me, And I say,
– I know what am I training for, girl. Really, 90 seconds, listen, And really what is there to lose? Any given situation you can be, really, If you hear “The Russians just launched…” Ok 90 seconds. Where am I now? A bakery, ok. Oh, there’s an old lady buying a challah. Well, too bad. Good morning! Here I am. And now, well I don’t want to do that in the end
with a senior citizen, so I close my eyes, I’m grabbing her breast. And I imagine that she’s this.. Angelina Jolie. Well, a very tired Angelina Jolie. And now what? There’s only a few seconds,
so you just have to sort of focus hard and you go, and oooh! And I’m just feeling this 2 meter
tall construction worker up in me, who came to buy 16 buns, and normally I’d say, “Fuck off!” But those are the last seconds of our lives. – Have fun. I won’t be a dog in the manger! So I’m inside tired Angelina Jolie. Inside of me is Brad Pitt after working overtime. Let’s go now, it’s only a dozen or so seconds left, I gotta’ focus, quick, quick, quick, I open my eyes, I see Gdansk burning through the window. And I’m in fucking Pruszcz. And my friend doesn’t stop. – Hello? Hello? Sir? We’re canceling the action! The rockets hit Gdansk, and we are in Pruszcz. And he’s like,
– What rockets? This plan still has some weak points. Really listen, I’m afraid of pain. I want to live a nice life, really. I’m similar to this woman I saw on TV some time ago. It was on that information strip in the news,
this drama about some airline passengers. I didn’t know what happened. She’s speaking,
– There was no air conditioning. I swear, this information, ‘there was no air conditioning,’ not that they kidnapped the plane or shot her kid, no. She had those black rings in her armpits, that’s it. Jesus, what an easy target we are for the terrorists now. Soon the terrorists are gonna’ look like this, he runs in, Yells, “Allah Akbar!” And he turns off the Wi-Fi. And I’m not surprised that into our fantastic, comfortable world,
there are people flooding in all the time. They also want to be here, totally. They get on a boat, Look how bad it has to be over there that they’re raping German women! Really, listen, they sail,
Sail on anything, on anything, I wonder if that’s sponsored by Red Bull. They sail, they’re rowing with their mother, – Are you going with us?
– But it’s just an empty chips bag. – But it’s only 15 of us, come on. And they are ready to sacrifice their own life and their loved ones to make it into this wonderful world In which Gareth Bale costs 100 million Euro. Gareth Bale. It’s not an archipelago. It’s a soccer player. Oh, you baldy, you are priceless today. Real Madrid, as the baldy says. And baldy knows because he’s the chairman of the club, so… Listen, 100 million Euro is what he costs. For 100 million Euro you can sustain half a million children in Africa for a whole year. – Well yes, but Gareth is kick ass with the counterattack. Aha. Listen, they spend 100 million Euro on him and he doesn’t even give them a blowjob. Fuck, if I were to spend 100 million Euro on somebody, a blow job would be the minimum. I would have to have 2 tall bodyguards to pull Gareth off my dick every day. – Gareth, go and play a little bit! Totally. 100 million Euro. If I had a 100 million Euro, I wouldn’t buy him for the club, I would buy him for my garden. I’d every morning come down with the paper and my coffee, look through the blades, and in my garden there’s Gareth, – Come in, come in! – Garrett, fuck, in the snow? If I’d get bored with him in the garden,
I’d move him to the hallway and I’d have him in the hallway just for when a guest would come, I’d say,
– You can leave your jacket next to Gareth. I’d have Gareth Bale just for that if I had 100 million Euro. If somebody in today’s world is buying a soccer player for 100 million Euro, It means that, luckily, not only do we have this fucker on the inside
but also clubs, governments, corporations… That’s just obvious.
And you can’t eliminate him, he’s just there. But can’t you just, I don’t know, redirect him?
Better? Wouldn’t it be better if our T-shirts weren’t sewn
by children in Bangladesh? But by some prisoners? Or if Putin, by his own initiative would invade ISIS? Or if Bill Cosby raped Kabaret Pod Wyrwigroszem? Thanks for everything today. Take care! Thank you so much for today’s evening! Tonight, playing for you: Wiolka Walaszczyk, Abelard Giza. Thank you so much! Thank you Warsaw! Lysobyki!! Bye Malgorzata! Have a good trip! Take care, see you later. Filip, fucking awesome T-Shirt.